10/26/2010 11:01 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Dave Hill Fan Fiction by Dave Hill: "Mean Streets"

Dave Hill, a really cool guy, was walking down the street. A lot of people Dave Hill passed on the street couldn't help but think to themselves what a cool and also very considerate guy Dave seemed to be as he passed them. For example, if two people were walking toward Dave, Dave would move slightly to the side so the two approaching people could continue walking and talking together easily and without the kind of interruption that takes place when someone not as cool and considerate as Dave comes along and walks right between them as they are walking down the street together, forcing them to regroup a few paces later as one of them says "So anyway, as I was saying..." Some people are dicks that way, but not Dave. Also, Dave has offbeat good looks and smells nice, which are just a couple more positive attributes people noticed about him as they passed him on the street.

Anyway, Dave was walking down the street in a cool outfit he picked out all by himself when all of a sudden he happened upon a street gang hanging out on a street corner, as they often do. Dave knew they were a street gang because they all had matching jackets on, wore their hair slicked back, and referred to each other as "man" a lot. Also, one of them had a knife and was talking about how they were a street gang to one of the other street gang members.

"Give us all your money!," one of the street gang members said rudely to Dave as he approached them.

"What did you say?," Dave responded. Dave heard exactly what the street gang member had said to him so when he asked this it was intended more to make the street gang member have a quick think about the kind of trouble he was foolishly starting with Dave, a guy who is pretty much not afraid of anything. A smarter man would have taken this time to realize that it was trained martial artist Dave Hill that he was dealing with and he had better not mess with him, but the street gang member- having never finished high school- was not that smart and instead of answering Dave by saying "Oh, nothing- I guess I'll get back to whatever it was that I was doing" he said "I said give us all your money!" And then he said the F word and other swears and held up that knife from earlier in the story right in Dave's face. This guy was crazy.

It was at this point that Dave just laughed because- as mentioned previously- he is not afraid of anything, especially knife-wielding street gang members, even if there were like twenty of them. He is like the bravest guy ever.

"You think this is funny?," one of the street gang members asked Dave while smoking a cigarette and then exhaling it right in Dave's face(!). "I bet you won't be laughing when we mop up the sidewalk with your face!" Then the street gang members all laughed in a mean way as they often do. They made more swears too. They were such dumb jerks.

Then Dave said, "Yeah, I think you guys are hilarious!" and then he laughed to himself in that way that people do when they are about to beat up like thirty dumb people all by themselves. Then Dave got really serious and said "But do you know what I think is really, really hilarious?"

Then the biggest jerk in the whole street gang said, "No, why don't you tell me?" And then he blew more cigarette smoke directly in Dave's face, which is pretty much the dumbest thing you could do to a guy like Dave, who could easily kick like forty street gang members asses without even trying. It was amazing how dumb this guy was.

Then Dave said, "Here's what I think is really, really hilarious!" Then he jumped in the air like twenty feet and spun around kicking all the street gang members right in the face. They couldn't believe it. They all got bloddy noses and one of them even lost a tooth!

"Hey! Get that guy!", one of the street gang members yelled. "He just kicked us all in the face." Then all the other street gang members said "Yeah! Let's get him!" They were so mad at Dave. Dave didn't care though. In fact, he just thought it was funny. Dave has huge testicles.

Then all the street gang members charged at Dave with clenched fists while staying the F word some more and stuff. Dave just started laughing and then punched them all in the face so hard and fast that each one of them fell back like ten feet and then they all ended up in a big pile on top of each other and with imaginary birds flying around their heads. Some of them didn't even know where they were anymore because they were so dizzy from being beaten up by Dave, who still looked and smelled great the whole time he was kicking their asses.

"That will show you to mess with Dave Hill!," Dave said to all of them as they continued to lay there in a great deal of pain.

"Oh my god! Who is this guy!" one of the gang members asked. He was practically crying. I guess he wasn't so tough after all. What a dumb jerk.

"It's Dave Hill! He is the toughest guy ever. He just beat us all up," one of the other gang members said. That one had a cigarette in his mouth still only it was all smushed up because Dave punched him in the face when he was smoking it. This guy looked so dumb.

The gang members all lied there for like six hours, unable to move because Dave kicked their asses so badly. By the time they got up, Dave was already long gone and had passed like a million more people on the street, all of whom could not believe how cool and also considerate he was. One girl even wanted to have sex with him and she was a supermodel. Dave told her he would think about it. She wanted him so bad and was telling all her supermodel friends about him and they were so jealous because they wanted to have intercourse with him too.


Dave Hill