07/04/2010 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Target Knife Attacker Seems Like a Total B*tch

Yesterday, I heard some unsettling news about some nutjob (specifically a female nutjob by the name of Layla Rosetta Trawick, who is from Antioch, California, one of the oldest towns in California, having been founded in 1850. The year following the discovery of gold, there was a plague that overtook the city and wiped out most of the population) wandering into the Target department store in West Hollywood, California and stabbing four people before eventually being apprehended by an off-duty police deputy who just happened to be shopping for stylish yet completely reasonably priced housewares and clothes items at the popular retail chain at the exact same time Layla was trying to kill everyone else in the store for reasons only she can really fully explain.

This news greatly disturbed me on several different levels. As a consumer myself, I have wandered into Target many times before, sometimes after having gotten wasted at a nearby Applebee's, my favorite neighborhood hang, and searched around for all sorts of items I either wanted or needed and could afford to pay for without worrying about it at all because I am a celebrity and throwing down a few bucks on a trash can designed by Todd Oldham or what have you is pretty much business as usual for someone like me. However, it should be noted that there have been many times I have wandered into the popular Target department store and found nothing I wanted whatsoever no matter how long or hard I looked. The big difference between me and Layla Rosetta Trawick in this situation, though, is that even in those times when I did not find a single goddamn thing I wanted at fricking Target, I didn't go stabbing anyone or calling people names or anything- I simply walked out of the store and found something else to do with my time other than flip the f@#k out and stab a bunch of people who happened to also be searching for hip and funky housewares and clothing items often brought to you at a price you can afford by some of today's hottest designers.

Layla Rosetta Trawick- who, for the record, seems like a total bitch or something- however, decided to take a different approach under the exact same circumstances and ended up stabbing three women and one man simply because Target failed to "wow" her or whatever the F she expected to happen to her in the forward-thinking department store yesterday. This seems really negative to me. I'm just glad Deputy Clay Grant Jr. was off-duty and picking up a couple of stylish and reasonably priced household items from Target when customers started screaming because their shopping ability was about to be greatly compromised. Deputy Clay Grant Jr. jumped to the rescue and the next she knew, Layla Rosetta Trawick was no longer able to keep stabbing everyone at Target just because she couldn't find her size or whatever the f@#k was her problem. What a bitch. I can't believe her sometimes.

Now that this insanity is behind us, I would like to officially propose that Layla Rosetta Trawick not be allowed into Target again for a seriously long time- six months, a year, whatever it takes to send her a message that stabbing people at Target will simply not be tolerated. If Layla Rosetta Trawick is allowed back in the store immediately, this will only serve to let her and others know that stabbing people at Target is okay. Sorry- it's not, Layla. And if you have to learn the hard way, then so be it. Stabbing people at Target is not "cool" or "hip." You should be ashamed of yourself. I really hope you are because I am so angry at you right now. A lot of other people are too. What you did was wrong.

All of the above having been said, however, you can still totally tell that Layla Rosetta Trawick probably cleans up real nice and could look kind of hot if she really tried. Sorry though, Layla- I don't date stabbbers. A lot of people don't. I hope you don't get dates for a really long time.

Dave Hill