06/17/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Atheism - a Detox for Society

Every time I log on to Twitter someone seems to be "detoxing." Now I don't really know what this is. Apparently celebrities do it, all the time, perhaps while being treated for sexual addiction (who knew?!). It seems to involve stopping eating food (you call it pollution, I call it food) and instead pouring expensive fluids down your throat. No alcohol, no coffee, nothing that makes life worthwhile. The idea, and I am happy to be corrected on this, seems to be that actual food is BAD for you, and after you have been eating actual food for a while, just like other animals do, you need to stop and drink something that isn't food, in order to remove "toxins" (you call them toxins, I call them ...) from the body. The opposing view, one that I subscribe to, is that chocolate and red wine are GOOD for you, and should be taken in large amounts.

But I'm no expert on this, and I guess if gurus and consultants, motivated by nothing more than a desire for large amounts of money, think that people should get rid of toxins all the time so they don't accumulate and cause the body harm, then who am I to contradict them.

In fact it strikes me that it doesn't go nearly far enough, this body cleansing process. You know what I'm thinking, yes, the mind. Good old Doctor David is going to give up blogging and set up an Institute of Mind Detoxing, and make an awful lot of money.

There are just so many people whose minds are full of toxic thoughts and ideas that they will be clamoring to get into my Institute. To each one, for a large fee, I will reveal the secret ingredient that will cleanse their minds, get them thinking straight again. Wanna know the secret? Don't tell anyone, but it's Atheism, that old, tried and true, remedy for madness. A good refreshing dose of atheism, thrown straight down, glass on the bar ready for another shot, will clean out all that toxic rubbish about imaginary friends, hatred of others, love of war and guns, belief in conspiracies, denial of climate change. Leave you feeling tuned up, your mind clear, ready to start learning and thinking instead of believing and following. And widespread use (government grant needed here, I'm only in it for the money) would detox whole societies, hell, whole worlds, get them caring and sharing, social justice for all, give peace a chance, look after the planet.

Oh I know there would be back-sliding, from time to time. People sneaking back in to those strange buildings for the smell of the incense, the roar of the crowd, the haranguing by some charismatic character full to overflowing with toxins, trying to sweat them out of his system. I get it, really I do, you call it spirituality, I call it mental pollution. But I'm not here to judge, there but for the grace of, whatever, go all of us. No, no being judgmental at Dr Horton's Institute. Just make a regular booking, every month or so, whenever the desire to clap hands and abuse congressmen becomes overwhelming, and I will arrange more treatment.

You will feel so good you will wonder how you ever managed without it.

Arrange today for a detox on the Watermelon Blog.