04/17/2014 01:05 pm ET Updated Jun 17, 2014

Finding Mr. Right: No Guarantees, But We Can Load the Dice!

Raquel Mallén Photography. via Getty Images

How many relationships in which you have invested weeks, months or years have turned out a waste of time at best and at worst, a disaster?

So often, I've heard, "There are no decent guys out there anymore." Let's do a quick Mind Acrobatics™ visualization and then develop a healthy "Dating Prospect Protocol." As always, read the exercise first then try it!

"Dream a Little Dream for Me"

1. Imagine you're sitting at the bar of your favorite upscale watering hole.
2. Close your eyes... keep them closed.
3. A bartender just placed your usual margarita in front of you.
4. The first thing you taste is the tequila.
5. Next the lime and salt.
6. You take six small sips and think... now, this is living.
7. You feel a gentle buzz and you know the margarita was a good choice.
8. The drink's kicking in, you finish it in one gulp... eyes still closed.
9. Unexpectedly, the bartender puts another margarita in front of you.
10. "From the guy over there, with his complements," says the bartender.
11. You open your eyes and turn your head.
12. What are you hoping to see?
13. A 6' 2" guy with an incredible body, long hair and sharkskin suit winking at you?
14. A 5'10" guy, medium build, with curly brown hair, jeans, T-Shirt and a nice smile?
15. A 5' 8" bald guy with a small paunch and a sweet-looking and innocent expression?

The Answer Doesn't Matter!

No one is judging your taste in men. There is only one person who has the ability or right to evaluate what you are looking for: YOU!

Let me state upfront that you are unlikely to find one person who has it all. If you do, fantastic. Realistically, healthy relationships take self-insight, flexibility, accommodation and work!

Have you ever wondered why that perfect relationship seems so elusive? Sometimes, it's just fate, timing or luck. But there's another common reason.

More often, despite all the time spent thinking and talking about dating, you haven't mentally articulated the qualities you want and need in a long-term relationship.

You possess a general idea, but have not really thought it through carefully, despite the numerous articles you've read and all the well-meaning, never-ending advice of parents and friends.

We think we know ourselves, but more often than not, we're often clueless about what we really want and desire. This particularly seems to be the case when it comes to dating.

Back to the Ideal Man!

Sure, you want a guy that turns you on. Who doesn't? Someone who's fun, of course! A sense of humor is great. He appreciates me and anticipates my desires, wonderful. Sensitive and communicative, fantastic. Always there for me... a must!

Who doesn't want all that?

Let's have some fun with a Mind Acrobatics exercise and then come up with a jumping off point for identifying a good dating prospect.

"What Do I Really Want in a Man?"


  • Yourself and at least one girlfriend. The more, the merrier.
  • A bottle of wine, Sangria, cocktails, ice tea, seltzer water... whatever pleases you.
  • A pad of paper and writing instrument.
  • An hour of uninterrupted time.

Romantic Music:

  • Barry White
  • Al Green
  • Nat King Cole
  • Barry Manilow
  • The Beatles,
  • Neil Diamond
  • Elvis
  • Curtis Mayfield
  • Rod Stewart
  • Marvin Gaye,
  • Frank Sinatra
  • Tony Bennett
  • The Backstreet Boys :)


  • Anywhere fun you and your friends can get together without distraction and won't have to drive.


  • Settle in and start drinking. Talk about anything but relationships for 15 minutes.
  • Start to really unwind.
  • Assign a recording secretary :)
  • Now, begin exchanging dating and relationship stories.
  • Pick a best and worst for each of you.
  • List the three stand-out characteristics of both categories.
  • Drink some more. Enjoy yourselves and finalize the list.
  • Go home and have the "secretary" email everything you came up with.
  • Wait a day or two before reading the list.
  • When ready, review it.
  • What qualities of both the good and bad relationships resonate with you?
  • Do you all share some in common? Probably!
  • The formal part of the exercise is now complete.

When the mood feels right reflect on what's really important to you in a relationship. A few qualities were listed up above.

Include everything you can think of: Magnetism and chemistry, kindness, loyalty, willingness to communicate, money, education, power, health, flexibility, accommodation, sharing, caring, common interests... the list is virtually endless.

You might want to create a short list of deal-breakers and promise yourself you won't go out with any guy that possesses certain qualities... no matter what!

What you have accomplished is the beginning of the thought process that will give you clues to what you really crave in a long term relationship. This is your "Dating Prospect Protocol."

Your work has just begun. There's no simple answer. Anyone who tells you that just doesn't get it. Dating and relationships are complex. That's fine... you've commenced the procedure. Your mind is working and the possibilities are limitless.

Now you can create a game plan!

Go out and date with more data and awareness of what you want in a relationship. This doesn't mean ruling out dating guys that don't fall into all the categories you've listed.

However, you now have the ability to rule in or out some dates based upon criteria you've established. This translates to less wasted time and frustration, possibly fewer dates... but potentially much more fulfilling ones.

There's an old expression about kissing a lot of frogs... you now possess the knowledge to cut that number way down!

Go out and enjoy yourself. Don't take life or relationships too seriously! Carpe diem.

Remember, although it may require time, it only takes one good man!

A Note For My Male Readers:

This article was written to women, but will work just as well for you. In fact, it's great if you do the exercises because everyone will benefit.

Dating is two-sided. The greater your self-insight, knowledge of your desires and ability to communicate, the more successful and satisfying dating becomes for all.

Excerpted and adapted from the forthcoming book: "Comfy In My Skin... Transformation From The Inside Out!" by Dave Kanegis