THE BLOG
01/13/2017 08:16 pm ET Updated Jan 14, 2018

Cloudy With Chance of Golden Showers

Maybe this is a dumb question, but has anyone wondered how the hell "Golden Showers" became part of our sexual repertoire? Again, it may be trivial and a bit naïve, but to a significant segment of the population (for convenience sake, let us refer to this as the "psychologically healthy" segment), it's a question worthy of an answer.

Consider the antecedents. Golden Showers couldn't have been on anyone's mind way back at the beginning. Early Man, our prehistoric ancestors, couldn't possibly have been thinking about something like this 150,000 years ago on the plains of North Africa. How could they? For homo sapiens to have arrived on the scene, procreation--and plenty of it--would have to have been their sole impulse.

For those readers who have no idea what a "Golden Shower" is, or what the practice of Golden Showers entails, it might be best if you remain in your seat, or perhaps hold on to something stable while I try to explain it.

A "Golden Shower" consists of having your sex partner urinate on your naked body--basically, hose you down with his or her warm piss--in order to sexually excite you. As gross and vile and disgusting as that sounds, some people insist that it can be quite "romantic."

Golden Showers are generally performed outdoors, or on plastic sheeting in a living room, bedroom or boudoir (if done in France), or within the confines of a tiled bathroom. Also, experts tell us that they should not be performed in the presence of a pet dog or cat, or any other animal you respect, and never in the presence of a talking bird.

Understandably, they should be done only with the permission of one's partner. Indeed, when a Golden Shower is performed without permission, or in direct defiance of a partner's objections, it goes from being regarded as "nasty fun," or "exotic erotica," or "kinky sex" to a "Class D felony."

Some obvious questions: Is the Golden Shower limited to foreplay, or can it be a means of achieving sexual orgasm? Is it true that in some parts of California, Golden Showers are used as "ice-breakers" on first dates? Is it proof that humiliation and degradation play key roles in the mating ritual? Or (as people in Arkansas suggest) is it simply the desire to pee on someone's head?

Clearly, there are more questions than answers. The only advice the experts seem to agree on is that it's probably wise not to eat asparagus or drink lime Kool-Aid before indulging. Don't ask.