01/27/2012 11:16 am ET Updated Mar 28, 2012


Thank God a presidential candidate has finally had the courage to say what we were all thinking: "It's 2012 -- where's my moon colony?"

Newt Gingrich's bold, not-even-at-all-so-ludicrous-that-it-takes-about-a-minute-to-believe-he-said-it statement of purpose has clearly defined our priorities for the 21st century... and beyond! In ascending order of importance: improve education, guarantee health care for all Americans, fight climate change, end racism, end poverty, moon colony.

As if His Newtitude hadn't given us enough to chew on, he added that he will make the Moonies (wait -- is that name taken?) our 51st state. Cynics point out that Gingrich's plan only arose when he was campaigning in Florida, by sheer coincidence home to a gigantic aerospace industry. But this is unfair; who can forget his promise in Iowa? "Elect me and I will make Corn the 51st state!"

Not to suggest a lack of vision from our Visionary/Nut-Case In Chief, but shouldn't the colony be on Mars, thus guaranteeing a red state? Still, we can be confident Moonville will be built on solid Republican principles, with no taxes or job-killing government regulations. Or oxygen.

Indeed, in many ways a moon colony would be like the former Speaker himself: hermetically sealed, far removed from life on earth, and kept alive only by artificial gravity.