10/30/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Preview of Palin's Debate Victory

Calm down, folks -- I guarantee that Sarah Palin's performance on Thursday will be coherent and articulate. Why? Has everyone forgotten Bush"s first debate?

But... what if something goes wrong?

-- Gwen, that's a great question. Legal immigration is one of America's historic strengths, perhaps best expressed by Emmett Lazarus's 1883 poem "The New Colossal", which begins...

-- Ms. Palin, I have to remind you the question was about abortion.

-- (Pause) Abortion! Shit! Who's on that? Stan, what the fuck? Sorry sorry, they're right next to each other. Abortion and Immigration? Abortion's the first one! No, that's Air Quality. We're missing a page! Let her talk, she knows abortion. No, we can't trust -- Shit, she's still repeating what we're saying! Sarah, stop talking! (Pause) Okay, now -- Sarah, stop talking! Just listen to what I say! (Pause)

Gwen, that's a great question. Reverence for life is one of America's historic strengths, though it's a bit more reverency when it's a tiny baby than a full-grown slut, her brain-space inflamed by kindergarten sex education, who's just askin' for it.

My fellow Alaskans, rape is something to which I'm opposed to, but part of the problem is that Alaska has a narrow maritime border involving water. Originally formed by dinosaurs and Man, working together, it sadly only takes a canoe or a submarine or some other water-resistant vehicle to breach the defenses of our super-awesome National Guard, allowing entire brigades of raping Russians, under the direct supervision of Leonid Putin, to undermine our economy.

Because make no mistake about it, that's what it's really about. Those rape kits are darn expensive and whose responsibility should paying for them be? The state of Alaska isn't made of money. Although, technically, since it's built on shale, it is. But we have many other responsibilities, bridges and roads to destinations so vital they don't exist yet, and gas pipelines which also don't exist but could, and --- Shut up! Shut up! I found it! Ready?

SQWARRRK!!! Next on KISS FM, "Smack Down Yo Bitch" by -- What the fuck?! What's the frequency, Kenneth? Then change it! Sarah, you're still repeating what we say. Screw it, guys, we're made. Go to Emergency Plan C -- throw her a shotgun and release the moose!