To: President Barack Obama
From: Concerned Democratic Pollsters
With less than two months until Election Day, we're running out of time to stop the Tea Party Express. Our extensive polling has found only one way to defeat the Tea Party. We need a historical event around which we can build our own movement.
We first tested two major events that occurred in America before the Boston Tea Party: the French and Indian War and the arrival of the Pilgrims. The French and Indian War polled very poorly, as most American voters don't like anything "French."
Pilgrims had similarly high negatives. Thanks to their sleek all-black outfits and reputation for religious tolerance, Pilgrims are viewed as typical Massachusetts liberals. Their emphasis on building a "city upon a hill" further marks the immigrant group as members of the unpopular urban elite.
We did find one historical event to serve as a counter to the Tea Party: the Glorious Revolution. Nearly every voter we polled neither knew nor cared that Dutch nobleman William of Orange deposed King James II of England in 1688. But when voters were told that William's seizure of the throne ended England's absolute monarchy -- or as we called it in our poll, "really big government" -- favorables for the Glorious Revolution skyrocketed.
By itself, "glorious" scored through the roof, with more than three-quarters of voters expressing surprise that it could be used to describe anything other than a sunny day. According to our poll, 54 percent of voters support all Glorious Revolutions, compared to 14 percent for regular revolutions, 44 percent for the sexual revolution, and 66 percent for Japanese video game Dance Dance Revolution.
Zero percent of voters had an opinion on the minor but pivotal role the Holy Roman Emperor played in William's decision to invade England, but we did learn that four out of five Americans want to show commitment to their political beliefs by wearing period garb. In the poll's most significant finding, we discovered that voters would rather dress like an Anglo-Dutch nobleman than an American colonist. In a head-to-head match-up, three-cornered hat was crushed by forty-pound robe of velvet and fur. The race was even more lopsided when the robe came with a scepter.
Accordingly, voters reacted positively when shown a portrait of King William. 28 percent said he looked "trustworthy," 22 percent said he looked "like a leader," and 50 percent said, "is that Paul Stanley from KISS?"
Finally, we tested one of the Glorious Revolution's most notable supporters, John Locke. When described as "John Locke, the political philosopher whose ideas shaped the United States Constitution," Locke had favorables in the low teens. When described as "John Locke, the character from Lost," Locke's approval rating reached 77 percent.
Our opponents may attack the original Glorious Revolution as having been orchestrated by religious fundamentalists. This was actually a positive for many of the voters we polled, including a large number who identify as current Tea Party supporters.
Voters are most likely to support our new Glorious Revolution if it doesn't represent a specific policy platform. In fact, seven out of ten voters said they opposed ideas of any kind. Given this challenging political environment, it is our recommendation that we simply dress all of our candidates like seventeenth-century European nobility and hope for the best.