THE BLOG
04/29/2008 08:33 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Excuse Me, But I Have Something To Say About the Reverend Wright Scandal

Excuse me, but I have something to say about the Reverend Wright scandal.

Hello? Maybe you didn't hear me: I said, I have something to say about the Reverend Wright scandal.

"Reverend Who," you ask? Reverend Wright. (Maybe they're not covering him in your media market?) He's a goofball who hops around and bangs on podiums and does celebrity impressions.

Anyway, he's involved in a scandal -- or, maybe he IS the scandal -- or, the scandal is that he wasn't saying anything about the scandal at first(?) but now he's saying something about it -- anyway, the whole thing is a scandal. And I have something to say about it.

COULD YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING AND LISTEN TO ME?

I really think it would help if you heard what I have to say about the Reverend Wright scandal.

Once you've heard what I have to say about the Reverend Wright scandal, you won't look at Reverend Wright, or his scandal, or what people have to say about his scandal, in the same way ever again. Because I have something NEW and ASTONISHING and ORIGINAL to say about the Reverend Wright scandal.

It's an analysis of the scandal, sure. . . but it's so much more than that: It's also a personal reflection on the scandal, but contained within that personal reflection is a broader theory about the scandal -- a theory that actually serves to illuminate some of my points about the lesson of the scandal. And those points about the lesson of the scandal are just a preamble to my multi-dimensional political projection about the fallout of the scandal. . . which is merely the vehicle I'll use to drive home my thesis about the historical ramifications of the media portrayal of the subtext of the ideological faultlines that run the risk of overtaking the scandal!!!

Not to mention the fact that I'm going to make a HILARIOUS PUN about the scandal!

Honestly? When all is said and done (which should take about fifteen hundred hours, according to my calculations), what I hope to offer is an award-worthy, goosebump-raising call to arms about the scandal.

What I'm going to say about the Reverend Wright scandal will change the way the game called "Saying Things About the Reverend Wright Scandal" is played. . . FOREVER. It's the equivalent of introducing entirely new letters into Scrabble, or allowing manatees and ping-pong paddles in chess matches.

Are you paying attention? Hello?

What do you mean, "you're listening to what somebody else has to say about the Reverend Wright scandal?" ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND??? This is me we're talking about, here: The man who literally has something to say about the Reverend Wright scandal! Who are you gonna listen to, if not me?

Jeez, I think you owe me as much. Why?

BECAUSE I AM TYPING ON MY COMPUTER KEYBOARD.

I mean, do you have any idea how important this scandal is? I'll give you a hint:

It's very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, important.

You've never seen that many back-to-back "very's" in one place, have you?

No, you haven't.

That's more than two hundred very's. That's a "very huge" amound of very's, in case you didn't know.

The Reverend Wright scandal is that important.

And I have something to say about it. But I'm not going to say it until everyone is listening to me.

Hello. . . I'm waiting. . .

(Goes out to check the mail; goes to the gym; watches four episodes of 'What Not To Wear')

Well, I'm back, and I've decided not to wait any longer: I simply have to say what I have to say about the Reverend Wright scan--

OH GOD.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. . .

See that guy over there, on the other side of the internet? See him? The guy looking all smart?

HE SAID WHAT I HAD TO SAY ABOUT THE REVEREND WRIGHT SCANDAL!

Life is unfair.

Life is unfair.

Life is unfair.