I'm married. In fact I'm a bigamist.
No, I'm not in a cult and, no I'm not a Mormon.
In fact I'm not even married to women.
I'm married to my electronic devices.
It just hit me the other day. I don't just own an Apple Watch, iPad and Macbook. I am obviously in love and totally committed to them.
I stare at them constantly. I talk to them during the day and all through the night. I pick their brains and ask for guidance when I am lost.
I fondle them with the lightest, most sensual of haptic touches. If I need to be eroticized, unlike real women, they literally tell me where to go.
If they are sick with a virus (they inform me right away if they have contracted a STD). I will take care of them and they me. I would NEVER abandon or cheat on them with another device. At least not for a year or so.
But our marriages are not forever ones. In fact sooner or later I will have to file for a dev-orce because a hot new model will suddenly be available on the market and just like that my current relationship will be history.
And I will take all my memories, my pictures and everything else with me.
But for right now we are a complete and total marriage.
In my world, Florence IS the machine.
We are so much alike, all the Mrs. David Steve Simon Devices and I.
They shop with me, we go out to restaurants and theater and we pick out all our movies, TV shows and books together.
We always vacation together on The Amazon.
We live together. We have since day one.
They go wherever I go -- including the most intimate of places including the bathroom and shower.
We are into taking pictures. Some couples are like that. Kinky, I know.
They are simply the perfect partners for this modern non-intimate, self-centered, totally isolated world of ours.
They only think of me and my needs exclusively, NEVER their own to the point of exhaustion when they finally tell me that they need to "recharge their batteries."
They are always vigilant and endlessly maternal, constantly reminding me (to a fault -- enough already!) to go to my appointments, take my pills or go play a game with someone.
Okay sometimes I can annoy them, and I know exactly how to push their buttons, And yes sometimes they freeze up or lock me out. But I always somehow manage to figure out a way back in.
I mean, unlike real women, my devices come with instructions.
And so it goes on. We continue to this day to make plans together like we will last a lifetime.
But being a man, my eye is always wandering and yes, I do go on dating sites. Temptation is everywhere in this world of matrimonial machines. It's not my fault. I'm always getting these emails and alerts about "the next best thing" that is better, smarter and faster that what I have now,
Who can blame me when I finally dump my wives and move on?
As for children, no we can't have any together. I have real ones anyway, who, in true Harry Chapin style, have been left to their ow devices and have grown up just like me. No meal, vacation or celebration goes by without all of us getting together with all our "wives." Who needs the stress of sharing and talking to each other when we have all our lovely wives to distract us?
My wives are the Apple of my eye and I just love them to death.
Do I miss having an actual human wife? Not really. Sure, I think about it from time to time, but those type of wives are just way too buggy, fall apart easily and are just not as dependable.
Besides who needs human contact anymore?
I think one of my wives is calling me.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.