THE BLOG
05/27/2016 02:15 pm ET Updated May 26, 2017

The Appresident

Get ready for the red carpet, Cleveland, because now that Donald Trump has taken over the party that he was not invited to, the only way to put his indelible stamp on the upcoming GOP convention is to turn it into a glittering reality show with a parade of B-list stars.

So expect Bobby Knight to be the co-chair thrower and get ready for a passionate invocation from Mel Gibson (wearing a Pope hat made out of tin foil) followed by fiery endorsement speeches from Dennis Rodman, Rod Blagojevich (live from prison) and Meat Loaf. Gary Busey will be speaking at the Democratic convention by mistake. I mean Philadelphia and Cleveland sound so much alike.

There will be no doubt, a swimming suit contest as well. Personally I will be rooting for Miss New York, Melania Trump who will surely have all the answers on how to create world peace.

Immediately after the show, there will be a clothing optional champagne brunch for all the contestants to sit around and come up with a foreign policy that highlights the best places to shop in their individual countries.

The announcement of Trump's running mate will be a big part of the show too. The short list at the moment includes Ivanka, Tiffany, Barron and Donald, Jr. They will all sing Oscar nominated songs.

A Bush will show: Billy, who will become Donald's press secretary.

Since Donald has no experience whatsoever in the world of politics on any level, the office previously known as President will be known as The Appresident.

The Golden Globes, the single most meaningless awards ever, will be presented as well. A surprise appearance former Golden Globe winner Pia Zadora will be a highlight.

There will be platform speeches on facial spray tanning, Botox injections, hair weaving and late night braiding, word repetition, exaggeration, pathological lying, pandering and misinforming the uneducated masses, the art of bankruptcy, university scamming, outsourcing your clothing companies while condemning air conditioner companies who do the same thing and the super positive side of sexist remarks.

Cartoon legend Speedy Gonzalez (Marco Rubio in a regrettably oversized sombrero) will make a bilingual appearance to lure in the Latino vote.

Sarah Palin will show clips from her Alaska based reality show which will include segments where the entire Palin family hunts scientists and Ivy League graduates in the wild. Out of wedlock children will be celebrated as well.

Sadly the Democratic convention will not be able to compete with these smoke and mirrors (At the Donald's request, the GOP ceiling and walls will be covered in them).

The Democrats will instead focus on all those other boring things like truth, empathy, human decency and compassion for the poor and middle class.

Which one you watch will be entirely up to you.

But be forewarned: on the night of the GOP convention, when it comes to the competition, there will be nothing on.

Just like the Emperor's new clothes.