THE BLOG
07/27/2016 04:33 pm ET Updated Jul 28, 2017

THE OFFICIAL ONLINE APPLICATION TO JOIN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

1. Race: White, white or white? Please check one.

2. Religion: Are you a real Christian who lives by what your bible preaches or are you a fake one who pretends to be virtuous while spewing unsullied animosity towards anyone who does not agree with you while you actively prevent the struggling lower class of America from enjoying the same kind of life that you feel that you are entitled to?

3. Hillary Clinton: Please write a brief essay on why you believe the presumptive candidate should be locked up based on fact and not fantasy or what you have been told to think. (Note: 99% of you have left this answer blank).

4. Ted Cruz: What the hell is that? Please explain.

5. Chachi? Really? That had meaning to you? Please explain.

6. Please explain why you feel that you are free to marry whoever you love and should get all the benefits that are afforded to you by law, yet you support a unilateral ban on Same Sex marriage and that anyone in the LGBT community, despite being tax paying Americans, many of whom are devout followers of YOUR faith, should be not have the same rights as you?

7. Per the minister at the RNC: please explain what he meant when he said that the Democrats, led by an African American President are "race baiting." Since a very Caucasian Hillary is attracting in some states 100% of the black and Latino vote (to Trump's 0%) Lucy: you got a lot of 'splainin' to do.

8. Please explain why George W. Bush did the hip wiggle hula at the memorial for the slain cops in Dallas during the playing of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." God personally would like to know.

9. Have you ever slaughtered animals on a Safari and then posed with their carcasses for a fun photo op like Trumps Fredo and Fredo, Jr,?

10. Why do you think, especially after the slaughter of children in Sandy Hook, that mentally ill people and potential terrorists should be have full access to all the military grade killing machines that they want. Part Two: please tell us why doing nothing is not the exact same thing as posing with dead animals on the Serengeti.

11. Please enumerate any Donald Trump Real Estate deals in Atlantic City that did not wind up in bankruptcy and the willful decision to not pay laborers for work done.

12. Does blaming minorities (which includes women) in this area reinforce the belief that it is because of their very existence that you have nothing? If they were walled in or simply extinguished do you believe that your life would significantly improve?

13. If recruiters from Trump University made promises right out of the Scientology playbook and told you that you could make untold riches if you gave them your entire life savings and despite the fact that law suits are flying which will categorically prove that it was all a scam, would you enroll anyway? Follow up question: What the hell is wrong with you?

14. Mr. Trump has gleefully admitted to all kinds of adultery and three women (*so far) have stepped forward and accused him of rape---including one who was 13 at the time. Please explain why you have willfully turned your back on your faith. Again: God is curious.

15. A Trump assistant in New Hampshire publicly said that Ms. Clinton should be shot to death in a firing squad for treason--even though after millions of dollars and years of wasted time she has never been proven guilty of anything illegal. Please explain why you agree with him based ONLY on fact. Answers that begin with "I think that..." or "I believe" or "I feel that..." will not be allowed although Newt Gingrich, when confronted during an televised interview, blatantly said "feelings are just as important as facts."

16. Since just knowin' things is now the equivalent of having a Phd. in the sciences, please explain why Global Warming does not exist even though your red states have been continually wrath of God punished over and over again by biblical quality hurricanes, tornadoes and floods. Part Two: why is it the second you lose your home to any kind of natural disaster, the first place that you turn to is the Government that you feel is too involved in your lives? Part Three: A yes or no question: Would you be willing to not ask for assistance to prove how right you are?

17. Please explain why you claim to be pro-life when it comes to abortions yet you despise Obamacare which would provide any child with cancer or any other life threatening hope and perhaps a cure. Why have you allowed your states (like Texas) to strangle the life out of Obamacare (making it expensive and impossible to get IPOs) so that they can say how bad it is?

18. Please explain why for the past 8 years your Republican Congress has lead a covert/overt racist campaign against our sitting President by making sure that NOTHING would get done, by blocking any bill that was created on YOUR behalf...and yet you blame our President for the state of the country.

19. Please enumerate the successes of the Obama Administration, beginning with the moment that he inherited a government from an Administration that (A) waged a war based on fake intelligence, that killed thousands of Americans and civilians and left thousands more in mental disrepair which directly lead to the collapse of our economy and the birth of ISIS whose members all became radicalized after the fall of Saddam Hussein. Note: so far this question has been repeatedly skipped. Most simply write: I know what I feel to be true.