Positive thinking: You're at the wrong post.
Realistic thinking? Come, young grasshopper -- sit by me.
I finally get it. That's right. I've found enlightenment, peace, all that happy horse crap, and since it's the new year, I'd thought I'd share.
The path to happiness is... wait for it... Low expectations and standards.
Yep. You've heard it a thousand times, "Have hope! Chin up! Things will turn around!"
But verily, I say to you, "Have no hope! Head down and power through! Things could remain the same but will likely go straight down the shitter!"
To that end, here at the Center for Keepin' It Real, we have developed the "Low Expectations and Standards System," (LESS) and its message is -- surprisingly enough -- keep your expectations and standards low, low, low.
The Low Expectations and Standards System works especially well in January. Here's how New Year's Resolutions become New Year's Realisms with the LESS program.
1. Resolution: I resolve to lose weight.
Realism: I will probably gain at least five more pounds.
2. Resolution: I resolve to work harder.
Realism: I will probably work harder -- at checking Facebook and Twitter on company time.
3. Resolution: I resolve to become a more spiritual person.
Realism: I will probably continue buying ridiculous amounts of material things that fail to make me happy.
4. Resolution: I resolve to attend church more often.
Realism: I will probably glance at the clock, roll over, and go back to sleep. Every Sunday morning.
5. Resolution: I resolve to drink less.
Realism: I will probably maintain or increase my intake of alcoholic beverages.
6. Resolution: I resolve to eat healthier foods.
Realism: I will probably keep greedily consuming all manner of crunchy Frito-Lay products.
7. Resolution: I resolve to get organized.
Realism: I will probably collect more crap and eventually end up on "Hoarders."
8. Resolution: I will volunteer
Realism: I will probably avoid volunteering at all costs.
9. Resolution: I will read more books.
Realism: I will probably only read Facebook, Twitter and blog posts of no more than a few paragraphs.
10. Resolution: I will save money.
Realism: I will probably buy more useless junk that stalls my efforts to save money and get organized, eventually ending up on "Hoarders."
11. Resolution: I will quit procrastinating.
Realism: I will probably quit procrastinating... tomorrow... next week... maybe next year...
12. Resolution: I resolve to learn something new.
Realism: I will probably be much too busy to learn anything new, what with procrastinating, hoarding and avoiding volunteering.
See that? Simply by replacing the phrase resolve to with will probably, you too can find harmony and be happy with LESS, just by embracing reality. Always remember our mantra, which is not, "It could be worse," but rather, "It will probably get worse."
With the Low Expectations and Standards System, there is none of that "pesky disappointment" when things don't go "your way." Because inevitably many things won't go your way. It's called "adulthood."
And it largely "sucks."
With that joyous thought, we at the Center for Keepin' It Real wish you a very lazy, very average and -- most of all -- a very realistic new year.