By Chris O'Shea, GQ
This story originally appeared on GQ.com: Comparing Mitt Romney and Barack Obama's Celebrity Endorsements
Election day is closing in fast, and Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are both carefully refining their message to the American people and obsessing over every data point. Words will be scrutinized and numbers will be crunched. But of course, none of that matters. What is truly essential to any presidential campaign is celebrity endorsements. And given that celebrities thoroughly enjoy being celebrated, plenty of them have spoken up and shared their support for either Romney or Obama. In fact, we now have enough celebrity endorsements for each candidate that we can predict who will win the election. Here is a review of the major players, and then the final result.
Key Endorsements for Romney
Baio -- better known as Dr. Jack Stewart on Diagnosis Murder, a mid-90s drama about doctors who solve crimes with terrible puns -- is a big time Republican. He will bulldoze anyone with intelligent political banter; especially on Twitter. He once tweeted that Obama was a "shitfuck," a scorching label that is difficult to shake, according to two teens hanging outside of a 7-11 asking strangers to buy them beer. Romney gets a huge boost from Baio because the actor is not afraid to say anything at any moment, even if it doesn't make sense.
The rapper, who was deported in 2009 following his release from prison for charges stemming from a shooting, is a staunch Romney supporter. Despite being unable to vote, Shyne's willingness to trash Obama has ignited Romney's campaign.
Rumor is that Paul Ryan is so excited about Shyne's endorsement that he has been spotted reciting "Bad Boyz" lyrics everywhere. There is just something terribly powerful about a rich, white guy crooning "Man a bad boy on the corner, so move from on here, cause we a dange-rrrrous" while flexing his pecs.
The 46-year-old actor is a Romney fan and has expressed dissatisfaction in the Obama administration, telling Politico, "If Obama is reelected, it [the economy] is not going to get better." Baldwin's support is crucial if Romney hopes to capture the "Bio-Domewasn't that bad" and the "Pauly Shore is talented" demographic; the latter consisting solely of Pauly Shore.
Key Endorsements for Obama
Clooney has been an Obama supporter for years; donating time and money to the President's campaign. The two have become quite the friendly pair, with Obama joking about Clooney's flawless looks and Clooney nodding and agreeing. Clooney is key because everyone loves him. The only votes Clooney's support doesn't get Obama is the actor's 337 ex-girlfriends.
The actress has expressed support for Romney in the past, but after last night's debate,
re-tweeted "RT if you're #ProudOfObama as our commander in chief" from Obama's official Twitter feed. But then she deleted the tweet! Who knows what that means, but one does not over-analyze Lohan Logic. Instead, count her as maybe confused, probably intoxicated, perhaps unaware of what day it is, but above all -- in Obama's corner.
Is getting an endorsement from the one member of The Fugees whom no one has ever heard of a good thing? Of course it is, when considering the alternatives. Lauryn Hill -- maybe the best female rapper ever -- has pleaded guilty to tax evasion, so that's not an endorsement Obama wants. Then there's Wyclef, whose charity Yéle is being accused of squandering millions intended for Haitian causes and services. Wyclef of course denied any wrongdoing, writing in his memoir that he didn't need to take money from the charity because "I have a watch collection worth $500,000." That makes sense. Call off the investigation! The man owns several bedazzled Fossil timepieces! Without a doubt, Pras is the best Obama could hope for.
It's a close call, but the winner, and the next President of the United States, is going to be Obama. Clooney's support is simply too big for Romney to counteract. But Romney and Ryan should be proud of the celebrities they courted; even Baio, who will most likely forget to vote.