THE BLOG
05/04/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Don Lewis Demonstrates How to Profit From Racism as a Sport

If Don "Moose" Lewis -- who plans to start an All-White basketball league -- somehow meets with success, then I propose that a diverse group of angel investors come together to start the new U.S. Stereotype League to give even more people a chance at polarizing the populace.

In other words, why just offend a small segment of the population, as Lewis undoubtedly will, when you can easily offend them all!

The new U.S.S.L. will comprise a variety of divisions and sub-divisions, and offer competition in different areas of business, sports, and recreational and leisure activities. If you've never been offended before, here's your chance to feel important; to have people portray you and react to you in a way that is either inconsistent with who you are, what you do and what you believe, or that just might parallel the essence of what makes you you.

Either way, this league is guaranteed to evoke emotion and feedback, and isn't that the American way!

For starters, the new U.S.S.L. will feature a division of Female Polish Housecleaner teams because we all know the stereotype says no one cleans a home like a Polish woman, right?

Next, expect a few teams to provide entertainment in the Japanese Girls Giggling competition. And don't dare miss the thrilling Hispanic Multi-Generational Home Occupancy games, for who doesn't get a private laugh out of that ugly stereotype?

And to further throw crap at the oscillating fan and satisfy the sickness that defines the separatists among us, what would the U.S.S.L. be without all-African American Chicken and Watermelon-Eating teams, and a division of all-black Moviegoers Who Openly And Obnoxiously Yell At Movie Screens.

Finally, we'd be doing stereotypes and bigotry a great, grave disservice if we didn't create and support the Blonde White Girls Hair Tossing competition.

Shocked and appalled yet? Pissed off to the highest of pisstivity, or just plain confused?

Don't' be, for if the aforementioned Lewis successfully starts the All-American Basketball Alliance to be comprised of teams with rosters made up only of white Americans, then let's just follow his lead and separate everybody based on the stereotypes that too often narrowly, maliciously and pervasively rile and separate us.

The All-American Basketball Alliance recently announced via a press release that it intends to start its inaugural season in June with teams in 12 cities. "Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league," read the release.

Can't you just hear the shrieks of disdain and disbelief in community centers and public parks in urban areas nationwide where thousands of black boys with dreams of becoming the next Kobe Bryant or Michael Jordan are being crushed under the sheer weight of Lewis' selfish intent?

Oh, the agony of ever being inspired by someone not of your own race.

Lewis has rejected notions that the restrictions on his league's roster amount to racism: "There's nothing hatred about what we're doing. I don't hate anyone of color. But ... white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."

(Quick, what's a basketball antonym for "fundamental"? Think undisciplined, freewheeling, hyper-athletic Negroes!)

Instead, Lewis said his desire is to place less emphasis on "street-ball" that we all know is exclusively played by who he calls "people of color."

Calm down, folks, and give Lewis a chance. He might be on to something if you give that marble of a brain rolling around in his head a chance to come to rest like the ball on a roulette wheel.

Read on: "Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?" he has said. "That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction."

That's right, move in a better direction by supporting his Atlanta-based pro basketball league that continues to look for investors willing to fork over $10,000 to become a licensee in one of 12 cities scattered throughout the Southeast.

Lewis, who believes he will secure support in every town that gets a team, can justify his intent with the best of them: "People will come out and support a product they can identify with. I'm the spoken minority right now, but if people will give us a chance, it'll work. The white game of basketball, which is essentially a fundamental game, works."

If Lewis' plan works, who's to bet against my proposed U.S. Stereotype League? Come to think of it, we have to add a division comprised exclusively of Racially Divisive Crackpot Men Who Openly Communicate Their Death Wish.

If we're lucky, the teams in that division will have a hard time finding players.

Yeah, right. This is America ... land of the free and home of the nut jobs.