Some of the greatest moms and dads I know are also some of the worst parents I've ever seen. The worst offenders of that greatest bunch are the divorced moms and dads, because while they're trying so hard to be the better-liked parent, what's really "in the best interests of the kids," actually isn't.
Parenting is hard, no doubt about it. We don't need a license to become a parent, and we're given no manuals to follow, no annual educational credits needed and certifications required to keep that parenting title. It just stays with us regardless of how good (or poor) we are at it. Interestingly, some states now require divorcing moms and dads to complete a parenting course, but that's the subject of another article. Today, I want to focus on how to parent wrong.
You can easily search for and find hundreds of articles on the Internet, in blogs and magazines telling parents how to properly raise children. However, few of those articles actually call-out those subtle behaviors some parents adopt after they divorce. Below are just some of the wrong things to do when you are a divorced parent. You may recognize yourself somewhere in this list, and you may have convinced yourself that your actions were always in the best interests of your children. Dig deeper.. I beg to differ.
- Don't uninvite or cause to feel unwelcomed the other parent from important events such as Graduation, Communion, Sweet 16 or Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremonies. These are events that your child will remember for a lifetime, and your orchestrating a critical member of the family away from that memory will only serve to harm your child. As unpleasant as it may seem, figure out a way to grin and bear it in a civilized manner so that your child will see that you divorced his mom, not him.
- Don't travel out of town with your children and "forget" to share the itinerary with your ex. Though you may not want your ex to know where you are, it's important for the well-being of your children that both parents know where they are at all times.
"In the best interests of the child" is an over-used term of art which many have bastardized and used as a shield to guard-against any criticisms about their parenting decisions. "In the best interests of the child" means helping them transition from a traditional form of a nuclear family into a modern-day family consisting of multiple households, multiple parents and co-parents, step siblings and grandparents, and others. It means encouraging them to find acceptance in the reorganization of their family dynamic and to embrace the changes as positive. It means counseling them to understand that the divorce was between their parents, not themselves. "In the best interests of the child" is about creating a safe and nurturing environment with all parents equally.
The above is only the tip of the iceberg... what other "don'ts" have I missed? Please share your thoughts and comments!