08/01/2012 06:20 pm ET Updated Oct 01, 2012

The Multi-Ethnic Mitt Romney: Foreign Policy Made Simple

In an amazingly awkward, wind-swept interview that aired recently, Piers Morgan interviewed Ma & Pa Romney in London. The CNN producers were probably banging their heads against a wall somewhere. You've seen Newsroom -- you know how uptight and masochistic journalists can get. Whoever decided to film the Romney interview outside among abandoned pillared buildings as the wind whipped through and muffled the audio will probably be sticking to studio tapings for a while. What they don't realize is that they did us all a favor by adding some light comedy to an otherwise sterile interview subject. When Mitt Romney laughs, it usually feels like some handler is pushing a "Throw Head Back and Be Amused" button that mechanically programs him to become a good-time guy for a second. So the whipping wind was mercifully entertaining.

The wind eventually quieted down, just in time to hear Mitt declare that because his ancestors are from England, he's really "a guy from Great Britain." Ann got all giddy because she noticed there was a "Romney Road" right around the corner. Fascinating. When Pa Romney started campaigning, he was a poor, put upon Mexican who had pulled himself up out of poverty. He done good. At least, that's what he kept repeating. He conjured up this image of the Romney ancestors picking coffee beans and eating rice three times a day -- an image that only a fellow joker like Herman Cain would believe. Then Romney traveled to the South.

"Morning y'all!" Any real Southerner will agree: hearing Northerners put on their best Hee-Haw impression to blend in with the locals really gets us in a tizzy. Southerners don't take kindly to phonies, and here was Mr. Utah talking about grits. He was one gaffe away from spontaneously busting into a performance of the Cotton Eyed Joe. "Strange things are happening to me," Romney declared when he was in the South. Evidently strange things happened to him in England too because suddenly he was British. Still American of course -- he at least knows what country he's trying to run. He must be really exhausted with all this morphing though. From Mormon to Michigander to Mexican to Southerner and now, just in time for the Olympics, he's English. Did biting into a crumpet cause his very DNA to shift?

Ann must be really patient. She supports her man no matter what ancestry he's claiming. Mitt stared lovingly at his wife as she waxed poetic and said things like, "horses feed my soul." Why do politicians and their partners stare so hard at each other when they're speaking on camera? If your loved one stared at you like that you might get the uneasy feeling they were shooting invisible lasers into your skull with their eyeballs. Doesn't seem to bother politicians though. They're just different from normal folk.

The world watched as Mitt traveled to Israel. It's almost like the Romneys are shape-shifting True Blood characters and we get to watch the adventure unfold. There was Mitt, wearing a yarmulke and praying at the Wailing Wall which is all fine and dandy. As long as Mitt keeps claiming the ancestry of every country he visits (hey Mongolia!) his mistakes and insults will be forgiven. Who knew foreign policy could be so easy?