06/28/2012 05:10 pm ET Updated Aug 28, 2012

You Say 'YOURgage,' I Say 'Mortgage'

What is it with CNN having the world's most oddball commercials? If it's not the soul crushing cacophony of the Free Credit Report band (give me blaring Bieber any day), it's someone telling you to sell your stockpile of gold and diamonds in this crazy economy and then all your financial woes will disappear. Then there's the spot for a blue cooking pot made of "pulverized diamonds" that they are kindly selling for $19.99... because they care. Most recently it's the recurring Quicken Loans ad for a "YOURgage," which evidently is a cute and cuddly version of a mortgage. It's your decision and you are in control!

Yeah right. Maybe a YOURgage is a custom fixed rate mortgage, and maybe it is cuddlier than the bureaucratic, stone-faced mortgages of the past, but until I'm in a position to actually or even peripherally think about a mortgage, I'll remain skeptical. Right now the big dream is landing an apartment that has an oven and a fridge, but you would be surprised how easy it is to exist without these supposed necessities. I don't bake cupcakes and I've learned how to trick my mini fridge into making ice (Ziploc, water, patience), so it's all good for now.

It's insulting when companies attempt to lure us in and get us to hand them money -- with interest -- by pretending they're as harmless as a baby bunny. Just be straight with us, especially these days. We've all been through enough in the last few years to know that the pulverized diamonds in that $19.99 skillet aren't the same species of diamond Beyonce or Gwyneth bathe in. And who pulverizes diamonds anyway? Do they make your pancakes taste better? What a waste.

It's an old joke now that Sallie Mae sounds like a sweet, churchgoing granny but is really a vile succubus. Again, it's insulting. At least call the company what it is: Student Loan Giant or Student Loan Company -- a rose is a rose is a damn rose. At the very least it could have been Nellie Mae or something, so we can associate it with that Little House on the Prairie brat Nellie Olson. We're stuck with Sallie Mae though. And she's certainly not sweet.

Maybe a YOURgage is wonderful. Maybe the pulverized diamonds in the pan DO make your pancakes taste better and I'm just a big, dumb cynic. That doesn't mean I'm willing to plunk over $19.99 to see. A plain old pot seems to work just fine. It would just be nice if these companies stopped insulting our intelligence and our experience with their jingles and adorable lingo.

We're smarter than that now.