07/11/2013 01:52 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

A 'Vomit' Button? Is There an App for That?

It's a dilemma. That wise and compassionate soul, televangelist Pat Robertson, "just happened to be reading Leviticus" the other day. As a result, he tells us that "the land [will] vomit you out" if you are gay. What exactly does one wear when one is vomited out by the land? I am gay, but I am new to this sophisticated Christian way of thinking, so I could use some help here. What is it like when the land vomits you out? Is it like a volcano? Is it like being slimed on Nickelodeon? Should I wear a latex bodysuit? Or is that too fetish-like for God? I don't want to be vomited out twice, so I really don't know what to do.

Mr. Robertson is obsessed with vomit lately. When asked if hitting "like" on Facebook photos of same-sex couples is equivalent to condoning sin, he said that he is "not one who switches on 'likes' in Facebooks," but if he were that kind of person, he would "punch 'vomit,' not 'like'" when he saw pictures of "a couple of same-sex guys kissing."

This leads me to more questions:

  • A "vomit" button? Is there an app for that?
  • Which of Pat Robertson's Facebook friends are posting pictures of gay men kissing? Do you think these folks would accept my friend requests? I bet they have fabulous senses of humor.
  • What is a "same-sex guy"?
  • Mr. Robertson is astute when it comes to Christ's teaching. Can he tell us where to find the verse where Jesus vomits when he sees men expressing love for each other? I know that there is a "Jesus wept" verse, but are there passages that read, "Jesus puked," or, "Jesus spewed," something like that?
  • I am concerned about Mr. Robertson's health. Pictures of same-sex guys abound in Facebooks and on other websites lately because of recent pro-gay Supreme Court decisions. Mr. Robertson's stomach must be a mess. Does he have a good supply of Pepto-Bismol or Kaopectate? Is there a "Christianpectate" for his kind of nausea?
  • Mr. Robertson reminds us that homosexuals in the Old Testament were "stoned to death." Does the stoning happen before or after the land vomits us out?
  • When Mr. Robertson talked about wanting to "throw up" at the sight of gay men kissing, he laughed and laughed. What else does he find so comical? Does he find lesbians as funny as gay men? Maybe he could work up a little stand-up routine and tour the comedy club circuit? I can see it now: Chuckle's Laff Shack presents Pat Robertson in "Your Love Makes Me Upchuck!"
  • This "vomit"-button idea is genius. What kind of button do they have for those of us who read stories about Pat Robertson on Facebook? Is there a "gag" button?

I am going back into my closet to find something to wear for this land-vomiting thing. I think I will wear something rainbow and sequined. That will make it easier for the land to find me. And, if it is going to happen, I might as well look fabulous.