THE BLOG
01/28/2015 11:52 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

O-Kern-Homa, Where the Hate Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain

Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern (R) has introduced a bill to officially change the name of the state from Oklahoma to Okernhoma. Kern stated, "By putting my name in the state's name, the people in our great state will be reminded that my opinions are more important than any one person's individual rights." Kern's latest bill joins three bills that she filed earlier: (1) a bill allowing businesses to refuse service to gay people, (2) a bill promoting gay conversion therapy, and (3) a bill penalizing anyone who issues a marriage license to a same-sex couple. Kern is considering introducing another bill which will allow any citizen to slap the face of a gay person without provocation.

In Okernhoma, gay people will not be able to eat or sleep. Her HB1597 specifies that "no business entity shall be required to provide any services, accommodations, advantages, facilities, goods or privileges related to any lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person, group or association." In adherence to this proposed bill, heterosexual Okernhomians will not allow gay people to buy groceries, rent apartments or (gasp!) go to the gym. It is assumed that once these preventative measures are put in place, gay people will be forced onto the streets where they will roam in packs, much like the zombies on The Walking Dead. Once banded together, homeless and hungry, gay people will be much easier to identify and discriminate against.

Okernhoma will hire specially trained agents to do the difficult work of rounding up the Walking Gays. Once the gays are locked up, conversion therapy will be forced on them to make them heterosexual. Kern has stated that homosexuality is "more dangerous" than terrorism and that it will "tear down the moral fiber of this nation." Her proposed HB1598 allows Okernhomians to "control or end any unwanted sexual attraction" through conversion therapy. It is assumed, of course, that homosexuality is unwanted. The agents doing this highly sensitive work shall be known as the Controlling Okernhoma Police Squad, or C.O.P.S.

If any two gays manage to fall in love anyway and then attempt to ruin Western civilization by requesting a marriage license, Kern's HB1599 ensures that a clerk issuing that license will lose his or her salary and benefits. A marriage license issued to a same-sex couple will automatically burst into flames once it is handed over. The couple, hands scorched and raw from handling the fiery license, will be denied any medical attention from area hospitals. They will not be allowed into drugstores for First Aid supplies either and will be forced back onto the streets. The C.O.P.S. can then round them up one more time and try conversion all over again.

"Sally Kern is my hero," says devout Okernhomian, Mallory Fobic. "She is ensuring that our state stands firmly in the 19th century and I, for one, am all for it! Discriminatin' against specific human beings is my God-given right! I am a waitress and my God forbids me from servin' lunch to fags. Sally Kern understands the destruction these gays are causin'. I hope she will propose that slappin' bill soon because Jesus wants me to slap gays in the face to knock some sense into 'em. What Would Jesus Do? He'd vote for Sally Kern's bills, that's what! And he'd slap a homo silly, I tell ya."

Kern's bills have received enthusiastic support throughout the state. However, state Rep. Todd Russ (R) believes that Kern's name-changing bill does not go far enough. "Okernhoma is a fine name, surely," he said, "but ... Okernhetera would be much more effective in promoting our value system. We don't want no homo in our state name."

Kern believes passing these bills is important for the future of Okernhoma. "I don't want any kids in my state turning on the radio and accidentally hearing some sad song sung by Elton John or Sam Smith. And God forbid that they might get a glimpse of that Ellen Degenerate Show! Enough is enough!" After a moment, Kern asked that the phrase "Enough is enough" be stricken from the interview because it too closely echoed the song "Enough Is Enough" sung by Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer, two gay icons. "Oh good grief," sighed Kern, "I can't take it anymore."

If none of these bills pass, Kern is considering proposing a Constitutional Amendment to kill all gay people and get rid of the problem once and for all.

NOTE: This piece is satirical. Some quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.