11/18/2014 09:38 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

Upholding the Sanctity of Marriage for Charles Manson

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Charles Manson is about to become a newlywed. The 80-year-old convicted murderer has obtained a marriage license to wed 26-year-old Afton Elaine Burton. Although there is a 54-year age gap between them, and despite the fact that Manson is denied conjugal visits, Burton explains that she loves him and is "with him." Why marry, you ask? Burton wants to prove Manson's innocence and, as his wife, she will be able to gain information that non-kin cannot. "There's certain things next of kin can do," she explained.

It is all so romantic.

The marriages of 300 gay couples in Michigan were invalidated this week. They were told that their unions "never existed." But Charles Manson's request for a marriage license is in process and he plans to marry next month.

It is good to know that our country still maintains the sanctity of marriage for people like Manson while steadfastly denying it to gay sinners. Christian conservatives have fought long and hard to maintain marriage according to biblical standards. It was Abraham -- wasn't it? -- who was imprisoned after he tried to kill Isaac and then found a bride 50 years his junior in his golden years? Well, my Bible knowledge is a little fuzzy, but it must have been something like that. A biblical definition of marriage is so important to some people, so there must have been some case like Manson's in those holy pages somewhere, right? "And the Lord sayeth unto you, when thou hast killed, that shalt be punished. Then thou will find a bride and marry her whilst in prison. Jesus wept. With joy." Something like that.

The conservatives are passionate about this subject. Thank goodness, because without their continued efforts to maintain that pure biblical marriage standard, we would not be blessed with a television show like 90 Day Fiancé. Have you seen it? TLC describes the show this way:

"Using a unique 90-day fiancé visa, the K-1 visa, four women and two men will travel to the U.S. to live with their overseas partners for the first time. The couples must marry before their visas expire in 90 days, or the visiting partner will have to return home ... The stakes are incredibly high as these couples are forced to make a life-altering decision: get married or send their international mate home."

This models a biblical story. Noah and his fiancée had a similar arrangement. Back then, it was called 40 Day and 40 Night Fiancé, but the concept was basically the same. The stakes were even higher because if the pair did not marry, it was more than life-altering. It was species-altering.

Same-sex marriage is now legal in Nevada, but there are some Christian hold-outs. Several chapels, such as the Elvis Wedding Chapel, are refusing to perform wedding ceremonies for gay couples. We all should be thankful that places like these are upholding the one-man-one-woman biblical standards. It was in Sodom, I believe -- or was it Gomorrah? -- where the Pillar of Salt Chapel refused to allow same-sex weddings. They were spared when God smote the rest of the sinners, if memory serves.

This week, Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi asked an appeals court to overrule two South Florida judges who found the state's same-sex marriage ban unconstitutional. She, too, believes in upholding the biblical definition of marriage as "a legal union between one man and one woman." She is such a staunch advocate for traditional marriage that she has married on three separate occasions. She must be following the example of Eve in Genesis. Eve divorced Adam sometime when they were both 374 years old, and then went on to marry and divorce a man named Mitch. Ultimately, she hitched up with an older man named Murray when she was about 549 years old. The two traditionally lived happily ever after.

I hope that Pam Bondi and her third husband are as blissful as Murray and Eve. I hope that Manson and his blushing bride find as much joy as Abraham and Kiki. It is a shame that those poor gay folks in Michigan and Ohio and Tennessee and Kentucky are having such a tough time of it in their states. But, unfortunately, God did not say anything about the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals in any biblical verse.