This is why I don't make lists. On my (nonexistent) to do list: hike, have sex with my husband and blog. Well I am doing one of them. Hello blog.
I'm not just blogging. I'm burning calories. I'm wearing this thing on my tummy. It looks like a wetsuit and it's wet with sweat. You're supposed to wear it for 45 minutes. I'm going to see if I can write a blog and lose an ounce in 45 minutes.
I used to have this great job on TV. For 18 years I actually got paid to gossip about famous people. Then I got a new boss. He said my voice made his eyes bleed. I never saw any actual blood but nevertheless he fired me. So now I've had some time to repent and reinvent myself.
Speaking of time I have been wearing this sweaty thing for seven minutes now. It's itchy.
I always say Pamela Anderson saved my life. God helped. But mostly it was Pam. She didn't save me in a Baywatch way. I was only drowning in gossip. Our kids went to school together. I will never forget a brilliant sunny day when she put sunscreen on my son. They were practically nose to nipple. But I digress.
Now very itchy. Getting bitchy (bitchier). Better get to the point.
On Good Day LA I was reporting on people I knew. On kids that I knew. I live in Malibu. I was reporting on people I saw at Starbucks. You shouldn't sh#* where you eat (or where you drink coffee). Having a relationship with Pam and starting a relationship with God was changing me. Slowly.
Slow burn on my tummy. Twenty minutes. Must have burned off a Girl Scout cookie by now.
For penance and for my sanity I started doing charity work. I actually think work is the wrong word. I find charity "work" fun. That's why the Good News Girls (The Good News Foundation is a group of LA newswoman who are dedicated to making some GOOD news in LA) came up with the word FUN-lanthropy. You feel good doing good. The best self help is to help someone else. You forget your crap when you help someone with their crap.
Twenty three minutes. Half way there. I don't think you are supposed to eat while wearing this but I am having a piece of cheese. Soon I will be wearing this and drinking wine.
In my free time (which I now have a bunch of) I went to Africa. I was a volunteer on a medical mission for a charity called Mending Kids International. The surgeons save lives. The volunteers make sure they have M&M's and toilet paper. Not a lot of toilet paper or utensils in Ethiopia. Your right hand is for eating. Your left hand is for wiping.
Africa deserves its own blog. I would go back in a minute but the trip is expensive. I flew with a friend who is a flight attendant. So It was much cheaper. But you fly standby. I got the last seat out of Ethiopia. It was the jump seat. We stopped (thankfully just for a few minutes) in The Sudan. And I got bumped off a flight or two. It's a bit like The Amazing Race.
You would think I could have lost weight in Africa. Somehow I gained weight. Must have been the beer. The wine was bad and the beer was cheap (3 Birr a beer. About 50 cent a beer)
When I got home I "adopted" an 11-year-old girl. It's in quotes because I only got to keep her for four months. Sandra came from El Salvador. She was brought here by Mending Kids. Her hand was one piece of flesh. An amazing surgeon at Shriners Hospital made her fingers. She lived with my family while recovering from two surgeries.
Her family is very poor. She had never been in a car before coming to LA. She got car sick every day. She threw up in all the best places, on Rodeo Drive, at Huckleberry's in Santa Monica. She once threw up at CNN when I was doing a TV appearance. She spoke no English. My Spanish sucks. But we did communicate. And maybe I did spoil her a bit. A child should see Disneyland and California Adventure, right? She is back home now. So part of my heart is in El Salvador. I can still see her waving goodbye. With 10 perfect fingers.
Took 10 minutes to write that. Only seven minutes left to sweat.
I did some charity "work" when I worked. But somehow it's more rewarding now. I had a great job. Now I'm trying for a great life. I don't get to shop. But I do get to drop my son off at school every day. Every morning he tells me I'm too happy. Today he said "you are too happy and you eat too much cheese." I said... life is gouda (too cheesy?)
If I would cut the cheese I wouldn't have to wear this thing. But I'm done!
My tummy is bright red. I hope I shed some weight. In case you're wondering I'm not a paid spokesperson for this weird tummy thing. My husband will tell you I'm not paid for anything anymore. We are a one paycheck family. I will have to find a job someday. But for now I'm a mommy blogger. Just trying to suck in my gut and make the world a slightly better place. I'm saving the world one glass of wine at a time. The wine goes so well with the cheese.
My 45 minutes are up.
Goodbye little blog.