09/03/2013 05:08 pm ET Updated Nov 03, 2013

Who's the Boss -- In Bed?

You heard it. The boss. Husband or wife, man or woman? Who's the boss?

Not who controls the room, who decides what positions. Not about overpowering your mate or proving your sexual worth. Not about who leads and who follows. But perhaps the most important, singularly vital, question bedroom partners need to answer.

So here you go. The boss in the bedroom, when clothes fly off and skin connects, must be you. Both of you. Not one or the other -- but you standing naked in your proverbial birthday suit embracing your own sexual power, skill and capacity to bring sizzling passion to the arms of your waiting lover.

Personal power. Nuclear. Settling into your own skin like a well-fit glove, where wiggly fingers poke and grip your lover with finesse, excitement and tenderness. Convincingly. Not a weak handshake but inner confidence in the power of sexual love -- your sexual love. That you know how to turn your life partner's body and soul into putty. Sex putty -- shaped by your masculine confidence, your feminine influence.

When you know yourself that well, you're the boss. Of you and only you.

So how do you become the boss, commander and chief? The magician that makes the mundane disappear, the ordinary slip out of sight and pulls spirited romance out of your lover's hat? You. The one who knows your own body, how to touch and hold with skill, how to move the soul of your partner into an erotic, sensual space.

Several thoughts and questions get at this theme and provide a road map for the future. To develop power, confidence and courage in your bedroom experience. To make you the "boss of the bedroom."

1. What do you know about your body? Can you identify feelings of romance and sensual energy in your own heart and spirit? Are you motivated for sex just for physical release or do you bring into the bedroom an effort to please your lover, to make him or her feel loved, sexy and special? How well do you tune into the entire experience of sex? Not just hoping to race to orgasm and off to the next event.
2. What do you know about your lover's body? The body has more than one part that participates in sensual arousal. Have you done your homework? Know what a clitoris, penal crown and G-spot are? Anatomy isn't everything but still integral to knowing what goes where, what feels good, and why. What makes her breathless, excited, wanting more? Could be how she likes to be touched, how you make her feel safe, how you honor her as the only object of your sexual desire and affection. Ask her.
3. What makes him breathless? What you wear in bed? How you position your legs, touch his face, pull him close to your inviting body? Find out. Ask him. Yes, ask him. Men need tenderness, a wife confident in her beauty and bold about letting her man inside -- her spirit and her body.
4. Who's the star of the "Sex with My Lover" show? Remember, breasts, vaginas and the penises aren't the only actors in the play. The face, arms, the experience of breathing together, enjoying all the curious sex smells, and sometimes candles all play a role in great, passionate sex. Pursue them with finesse and go slow. Find a pace that tantalizes and keeps the sensations glued to the next unanticipated moment.
5. How do you bring personal power into all areas of your life? Seek out ways to grow confidence as a man or woman, capable of influencing others in positive ways. The most powerful men and women have dealt with their own selfish patterns and limitations have learned how to love others deeply. Reading self-help books, therapy or coaching, volunteer work and finding healthy friendships where you practice honesty -- all grow us as men and women and create inner strength.
6. How do you move your partner to emotional and mental orgasms out of the bedroom? Great sex comes from great romance long before the bedposts enclose two naked bodies. Grow your love at all times with tender affection, monumental mutual respect and dazzling actions that say "I love you naked or not." Blow each other away in this life. Wherever and whenever.

These represent just a few thoughts about you in the bedroom. The "you" who gets naked, wants skin contact and sexual release. The boss. Not Mr. or Mrs. "Bossy pants." But the one in charge of your skill and hands-on passion that you know how to create in your own heart and soul. Long before you knead yourselves together into a ball of dough spread over the sheets of want and sexual desire. Given over as a gift to your mate.

A love gift. Not "I want sex and you better be willing" messages. But I'm the boss and so are you. So "Let's get busy."

Who's the boss in your bedroom?

Better be you.