07/17/2011 09:21 pm ET Updated Sep 16, 2011

12 Rupert Murdoch Excuses for Hacking Those Phones (VIDEO)

Question for Rupert Murdoch: Why do you need to gather so much intelligence, when what you disseminate is ignorance?

While that question may come up this week, I think it will be overwhelmed by more mundane concerns such as invasion of privacy, bribery and other corrupt practices.

Tuesday,July 18 is the big day... Rupert and his heir-apparent James Murdoch face questioning by the British Parliament over a hacking scandal.

And no, I don't mean a decade's worth of lame sitcoms Fox tried out after The Simpsons before Family Guy came along.

I mean phone hacking. Of victims of murder, war, and terror attacks. Classy, huh? And then, erasing the voice mails, so there would be room for more incoming scoops.

Now, I should be grateful to Rupert for a terrific excuse for all the calls I've neglected to return. But my alibi has one big hole in it: Ordinarily, Murdoch employees only did this to the dead. Then again, Rupert Murdoch doesn't know I'm alive. So I guess I can get away with it.

Unlike Rupert and James... who've already thrown Les Hinton of The Wall Street Journal and Rupe's protege Rebekah Brooks under the omnibus, without slowing the oncoming conveyance one whit.

The Murdochs are going to need some really good excuses.

And as it happens, I have a Dozen.

See more Doug's Dozen lists at

And Doug's Dozen videos on FunnyOrDie.