09/21/2012 01:35 pm ET Updated Nov 21, 2012

Doug's Dozen: 12 Things Jesus Said to Mrs. Christ

News item: Historian Claims Piece of Papyrus Refers to Jesus' Wife

Since this is the first we're hearing of Jesus being married, we have to wonder... what was the big secret?

I mean, if He was born to endure all the pain that makes us human, then certainly that had to include cleaning out the attic and sleeping on the couch once in a while.

All of which begs the question... what great sayings about His wife have been lost over the millennia?


Doug's Dozen: 12 Things Jesus Said to Mrs. Christ

1. "Honest, sweetie, all I had was five cups of water."

2. "Don't bother to cook, we had a ton of leftover fishwiches."

3. "I swear to Dad, I did not leave the seat up."

4. "I didn't mean to cast your mother out! I thought she was just another demon."

5. "Can we watch something else this week? The Pilate was awful."

6. "Well, that dress does make your ass look big but...SHAZAM! Not any more!"

7. "I told the guys it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich guy to enter Heaven. If I take that job with your dad now, I'll look like a dick."

8. "Mary Magdalene means nothing to me. She's just a disciple!"

9. "C'mon, it's one week in Jerusalem with twelve of my best friends. What's the worst that could happen?"

10. "Judas was drunk. Don't read anything more into it."

11. "Stop crying, I'll be back in three days. "

12. "Matt and Mark and the rest agreed, it's better for business if they don't mention my family."

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Read's Doug's comic novel, Memoirs of a Time Traveler, now available on

"You couldn't ask for a finer guide to the future - or the past - than Doug Molitor. Having so thoroughly enjoyed his 'Memoirs of a Time Traveler,' the next book I read is, without a doubt going to be his 'Memoirs of a Time Traveler' again."
-- Larry Gelbart (A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, TV's M*A*S*H, Tootsie.)