08/28/2013 02:53 pm ET Updated Oct 28, 2013

The Mustache Of Meat Has Its Day

As Mustached Americans, we have an intrinsic love for the finest food group: Bacon.

Much like napalm, the smell of bacon in the morning -- or really anytime -- pleases our people even beyond three-legged horses. Indeed, we love nothing more than for our lower nose foliage to preserve the enchanting aroma and flavor of our favorite salty meat treat.

Why do we bring this up now? International Bacon Day is upon us on this weekend, and on this holy day it is not enough to just eat several pounds of bacon for breakfast lunch, dinner, and fourth meal. No, we need to share this love for bacon the same way we share our support of the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle.

We must wear, ingest, and even pocket our bacon. Hence, with thousands of items adorned by bacon, today we offer a few of our favorites for the Mustached American:

  • Bacon Wallet: We're not a wealthy people but we still carry some scratch in our pockets that can be nicely done in this pleather pouch.
  • This Guy Loves Bacon Jersey: If you're a Mustached American, there is an 64 percent chance you are a man (Science). Since you're an American man, most likely, you enjoy baseball and bacon. These undeniable facts make the "This Guy Loves Bacon Baseball Jersey" a natural fit in our top three bacon items.
  • Bacon Brittle: Yes, we can simply eat bacon. But what not wrap it in chocolate from Kakao Chocolate?
  • Bacon Doormat: Don't step on my bacon! Oh, wait, I guess it's OK in this case.
  • Bacon Flag Tank Top: As a Mustached American, you enjoy freedom. One of those liberties is the Right to Bare Arms. This is why a bacon embossed, sleeveless version of the star & stripes comes in at the top spot on our list.

Take your stand, enjoy our day, and remember that bacon is the Mustache of Meat on this International Bacon Day weekend as you adorn yourself both inside and out.

You're welcome.