09/18/2013 08:49 am ET Updated Nov 18, 2013

Heavy Is the Head That Wears the Doritos Sombrero

Rejoice, for it is here.

Boxing matches and beer commercials have indeed marked the start of Hispanic Heritage Month. Everywhere chips and guac are sprinkled generously over festivities. Inflatable cactuses dot the American landscape. TV commercials for McDonald's begin to feature ethnically ambiguous families with black hair. Christina Aguilera will be on a few extra magazine covers at your local grocery store check out. For Latinos, this glorious month surpasses the holiday season as the most wonderful time of the year. Even those who are estranged from their culture find their way back during this month-long celebration serving as a cultural lighthouse guiding the lost back home. Just follow the assorted Latin America flags flapping violently from car windows, lost sheep. Of course, in addition to all this, from September 15th to October 15th the U.S. at large is forced to take notice, to acknowledge the undeniable contributions Latinos have made and continue to make to society.

Soon enough, Latinos, we will select our Hispanic Heritage Month Homecoming king and queen, electing our spokesgente for the year, two who will rule with a spicy iron fist and bless us with much-needed guidance in helping to determine our monolithic opinions. (Full disclosure: El Guapo is offered the crown every year, but declines -- for heavy is the head that wears the Doritos sombrero.) We will see our varied interests treated respectfully, explored in a nuanced way as our representatives help distill the Latino experience into tasty sound bites that corporations and politicians can mine for traction down the road. Subsequently, weekly meetings will take place live on Sabado Gigante -- in between El Chacal and Miss Colita segments -- and will determine everything there is to know about Latinos and cement how we will take on the year. Please be prepared to attend and bring with you the gravitas appropriate for such an event. And taquitos. Don't forget the taquitos.

Despite a bit of controversy, Ben Affleck seems to be the frontrunner this year for Hispanic Heritage Month King. His platform has emphasized the fact that he has played a Latino on film, has dated another, and once had a really great margarita in Cancun.

Hard to argue with that.

Enjoy your Dos Equis and a Doritos Locos Taco, mi gente.

Your handsome and humble servant-
El Guapo

El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.