10/08/2012 11:44 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

How to Celebrate Columbus Day: Smack the Doughnuts From Your Co-workers' Hands, Claim Them as Your Own, Then Give Them Smallpox

There is a secret I'd like to share with you.

Today is the only day of the year where you have carte blanche to take whatever your gluttonous heart desires from others and claim it as your own, without legal repercussions.

That's right, unofficially law enforcement will look the other way as you get what is rightfully yours on Columbus Day.

But, you're surely asking, "What have you done today, El Guapo? How have you celebrated Columbus' brave and noble deeds?"

Well, to start, I slapped a doughnut from a stranger's hand and claimed it as my own, and then I walked into a neighbor's house, planted a flag in their fern and renamed it Guapolandia.


However, I'm not heartless. I handed the two confused neighbors a steaming cup of smallpox, for historical accuracy.  And the day's still young.

Ain't Columbus Day grand?

Clock's ticking. Go. Go.

Your handsome and humble servant-

El Guapo

El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.

[Photo by SebastianDooris]