07/10/2013 03:53 pm ET Updated Sep 09, 2013

Rick Perry's Big Announcement: Moving From Velcro to Regular Laces

After teasing everyone for the past week about an upcoming massive announcement, today Texas Governor, Rick Perry, surprised all of Texas when he proclaimed proudly, boyishly that he will be leaving behind his patented, beloved Velcro wingtips and moving on to regular shoes with regular shoelaces.

Sources close to the governor admit that this rather shocking change is a direct result of the overwhelming support Senator Wendy Davis received during her recent 11 hour filibuster against a proposed bill that would have been one of the nation's most restrictive abortion laws. During the contentious affair, she famously wore a pair of pink running shoes as she spoke for 11 straight hours. Many believe that Senator Davis has put herself on the political map nationally.

"Governor Perry is convinced that the groundswell of attention and public approval that Senator Wendy Davis received after the filibuster was the result of her choice in footwear and not her stand against an absurd proposal by Senate conservatives," added our source. "For years, his advisors have been trying to make him understand that only children and the infirm wear shoes with Velcro. The advice had fallen on deaf ears until he saw the power of the aglet in action when Wendy Davis became an overnight national sensation, including almost causing Twitter to implode."

His absolutely dismal performance during his 2012 Presidential campaign, including this infamous stumble left him desperate to find a powerful tool for a political resurrection.

A recent poll even shows that 74 percent of Texans oppose Rick Perry making another run at the White House in 2016.

So, with a sly good ol' boy grin, today Rick Perry stood before reporters and held his new shoes up by the laces and announced that a new Ricky Rick was in town. At last check, he was still clumsily trying to tie them while mumbling to himself something about rabbits and holes. We'll keep you updated as the story develops.

Your handsome and humble servant-
El Guapo

El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.