My good friend Steve Young asked me yesterday why I call this "Yelling At The TV" when it doesn't sound like I'm yelling at the TV. I explained that when I yell at the TV (which I actually do, every night) all I yell are horrible curse words, which don't make for interesting reading after the first five hundred "you stupid fucking liar!!!!" So, this is my translation into English of yelling at the TV.
"Gingrich Apologizes In Spanish For Ghetto Comment."
He explains, "In the United States it is important to speak English well in order to have success." To which Bush added, "flwnoooypootyo8w8yugfedef."
"Post Foley, Page Program More Popular Than Ever."
Well, duh!
"Bush Sidesteps Senate To Name Swift Boat Donor As Ambassador."
I didn't even know we HAD an Ambassador to Bullshit!!!
"Waxman Requests RNC E-Mails Related To Partisan Political Activities At Federal Agencies."
They're gonna have to allow logging in national forests to get enough paper.
"Parents Of American Taliban Look For Shorter Sentence."
How about, "No hab. corp."
"Thompson Declares Candidacy On Obama's Day."
There's an Obama Day? Is it the biggest shopping day of the year? And I missed Obama Eve?
"CNN Replaces "American Morning" Anchor Team."
..with two Rhode Island red roosters, "We MEAN "American Morning" dammit!"
"Cheney Answers Questions On McCain, Giuliani, Romney: "No, No, No."
This was before the questions were even asked.
"Congressional Black Caucus Plans Two Debates With Fox News."
It's about time somebody debated Fox News.
"Watch Out Hillary: Obama Raises $25 Million."
"I thought we were playing for matches!"
"Giuliani Campaign Uses Visual Tricks To Make Audiences Appear Larger."
Oh THAT'S going to make people come to his rallies. "I don't know what happened. I just lost ten pounds, then I saw myself on the news at a Giuliani rally and I looked like an elephant!"
"Ahmadinejad: British Captives To Go Free As A "Gift."
It was either that or another tie.
"News Outlets Make Fun Of Pelosi In A Veil."
Also mock rabbis in yarmulkes. By the way, jerks, it was a KERCHIEF!! Do you know the difference? Hermes never got eleven hundred dollars for a VEIL.
"Students Pelt Rove After University Speech."
Well, after you pull the "tops" off small animals, the pelts are what's left.
"Reid: Bush "President" Of The United States, Not King Of The United States."
Not even King of the Hill.