01/17/2014 03:18 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

5 Reasons America is the Villain Hollywood Needs


You know what's missing from the latest James Bond films, or any of our recent action movies? A villain. With the Cold War over and the Soviet Union kaput, Hollywood films don't have an iconic bad guy for heroes to bravely stand up to in the name of freedom and what not. We need a villain, someone with the firepower, secrecy, and batshit insanity of the Soviet Union.

I would like to nominate the United States of America.

Now, I understand we're not to Stalin-level leadership yet (We've yet to commission monkey-men), but in the past fifteen years we've really made some headway. Here are 5 reasons I think America is the villain our movies need:


5. We crush dissent!

What happened to Soviets who tattled on the Soviet Union? Prison, unless you can get asylum in another country. What happens to Americans who tattle on America? Prison, unless you can get asylum in another country.


4. We have insane weaponry!

The Soviets might have had the Tsar Bomba, but we have some pretty neat toys in our arsenal. We have robot planes that bring death from the sky! We have nuclear weapons we often lose track of! We have robots! Creepy, headless robots! We have invisible heat rays! We have railguns! Honest-to-god railguns!


3. We have secret prisons!

The Soviet Union was a huge fan of secret prisons. Where else would they send someone like 007? In recent years, we've been all over the secret prisons. All. Over. Them.

2. We're getting ready to conquer the world!

We spend more on defense than any nation in the world. We have the most overseas military bases in the world. We have troops in a 148 countries. We've essentially conquered the world! Total bad guy material, right there.


1. We're watching everyone and everything!

Thanks to Edward Snowden, who revealed that the NSA did unconstitutional things, but can't come home because he revealed NSA did unconstitutional things, we know Big Brother is watching. In ways former KGB members could only dream. Our NSA sees everything. Except apparently two assholes who bought bomb making supplies, spoke with foreign terrorist cells, and then bombed a marathon in a major city.

Of course, the NSA also missed the military psychiatrist who chatted with a radical cleric and Al Qaeda member on the reg. Get it together, guys, we're supposed to be a fucking superpower. How are we ever going to build a volcano lair or kill James Bond with this kind of bush league bullshit?