02/26/2013 02:55 pm ET Updated Apr 28, 2013

What I Did During the Oscars

When the stars were arriving on the red carpet, looking beautiful in their designer duds, I was making my own outfit change. I took off the dirty jeans and old tee-shirt I had worn all day and slipped into something a bit more comfortable, a bit more my style: a ratty pair of sweatpants and a worn-in hoodie. These two items of clothing complimented each other perfectly and I like to think my look was comparable to that of Jane Fonda: timeless.

While Jennifer Lawrence won her first Oscar, I was eating a bowl of cereal -- like a star. I had the perfect ratio of milk to cereal. This is a rare occurrence in my life, and everyone else's life, for that matter. It was a feat I am proud to have accomplished and I am sure it will not be the last time I pull it off. I'd like to thank my mother for instilling a love of cereal in me and reminding me how special I am, in terms of my cereal choices.

As the Oscars crept on and awards were being earned left and right, I was tossing and turning with indecision. Should I get more cereal or should I end the night on a positive note with my one perfect creation? If I have another bowl, perhaps I can recreate the magic. I felt just as nervous and unsure as Ang Lee before they announced he'd won best director. I opted to have one more small bowl. I remained courageous and hopeful and it paid off. I struck gold twice, just like Ang Lee!

When Ben Affleck won best picture. I was sleeping. I slept so soundly that I'd have to say my slumber was definitely award-worthy. I didn't move once and I slept with a smile on my face, due to the fact that I dreamt about buying a car on Craigslist. At first it was boring because I was just looking online, but then I really challenged myself to dream big and in the dream, I found myself the proud owner of a 2003 Jetta for only $3,200 dollars, which was a stunning victory. I'd like to thank the two bowls of cereal I had eaten before bed. Not only was I still beaming from the fact that I had created the perfect bowl, twice, but I think the sugary carbs helped me fall asleep and increased my brain activity for the night, allowing me to pull off the car deal.

Here's to the Academy Awards, or as I like to call it, a Sunday night in February where for once, I didn't regret eating all those carbs.