I watched a pair of pigeons mating on the sidewalk as streams of humanity flowed by on their foot race towards the sea. San Francisco's infamous Bay to Breakers foot race was in full swing yet the birds seemed oblivious. They continued their stylized circling and bobbing.
While serious, costumed or the occasional naked human ran by in this city's largest annual street party, it was the pigeons' mating dance that caught my eye. When the female decided to fly off before consummation, the male turned and glared at me. "Hey, I was rooting for you," I responded silently "I didn't cause her to fly away."
It was exactly a year ago in London that I'd had another encounter with a pigeon. He'd responded to my imitation of his cooing with a courtship dance on my hotel window ledge. As we were on each side of a closed blind, it wasn't until he peeked between two slats that he discovered I was not of his species and rapidly departed. I had called after him, "Don't give up!"
I hope he has had better luck than I in this marathon of mating. Once again, I feel like giving up. The sense of defeat feels quite heavy, the kind where you want to take to bed and binge on ice cream and an entire television series. Frankly, I'm confused as to why I'm feeling it so deeply at this time.
I have made great progress on the road to romance. I am getting out there regularly, communicating on dating sites, feeling more open and connected in all my relationships. I'm observing evidence of Life having my back in the form of wondrous synchronicities from small moments of fun and magic to assistance with enhancing my contribution to community. Essentially I'm happy and grateful for the beautiful life I have now.
Yet for each leap forward the saboteur of my dreams returns whispering," It's too late, give up. There is no one out there for you." Had I waited too long in shifting from the enjoyment of being single to desiring an intimate and authentic partnership?
Cognitively, I know that growth isn't all forward movement. While wanting to believe that our aha moments and insights will keep us continually attuned to the GPS of our destiny, this has not been my experience.
In times where uncertainty and confusion prevail calling on our inner wise woman is useful but, mine has been very quiet this week. And while I drive a U-Haul of inner tools around with me, I seem to have forgotten where I parked it.
Although having heard from many reputable sources that "you can't do it by yourself," I keep trying. I attempted to listen inwardly and counsel a much younger self but, she too remained mute. At times, particularly when most vulnerable, asking for help feels like weakness; as if I should be able to keep inspiration going at a high level entirely on my own.
"After all, I will soon be moving into my seventh decade," I remind myself and hear the judgment in my reprimand. It is then I feel the true cause of my despair, I'm about to become 70 years old. While my 90 year old dad still sees me as a youngster, I am suddenly feeling inner tremors as a forerunner of what feels like the Big One..
Crossing the threshold into 50 was easy for me, 60 was a bit more challenging but very exciting. From these deep feelings I am now holding in my body, I know my mind must be subliminally lecturing on what I can and cannot do as I prepare to cross over into the 70's.This milestone is hanging heavily around my neck, old beliefs weighing me down. It was time to reframe.
Moving around myself, I scheduled a session with a transformational coach. When in need of a course correction towards my deepest desires, I call out to another bird: Jeanne Byrd. When my commitment to myself wobbles jeannebyrd.com is just a click away. Having someone in our lives who consistently reflects back our best selves and helps hold our intentions keeps us aligned with our dreams. .
Having made the appointment, I felt relief replace my anxiety. A sense of knowing presenced itself. This was the right action to take instead of the numbing ones I had been using to self-soothe. No need to go it alone. I want both my own inner guidance and that of a brilliant coach to explore the zone of potentiality beyond the obstacles of my false beliefs.
After our phone session, I reflected on how it had felt like a recommitment ceremony. I was back in my full self, feeling open and eager to receive the authentic and loving relationship which I once again could anticipate. The Online Dating Adventures of a 60 Something Woman is about to morph into that of Courageous Woman in her 70's Running Toward her Dreams.