04/11/2014 11:28 am ET Updated Jun 10, 2014

A Yeast Infection Feels Like a VD, But It's Not a VD

At 14, I'd never heard of a yeast infection, but I was aware of another acronym: VD. (For the uninitiated, that's a venereal disease. If you don't know what that is, you can Google it -- but, please for the love of God, don't go to the image section.) Though at that point I'd never actually been in any sort of (literal) position to contract one, it certainly felt like I had -- because I was spending endless hours of the day rubbing my burning, itchy undercarriage on the corners of chairs and nearby lampposts like an un-neutered dog in heat.

Too ashamed to face my parents and tell them I'd contracted a sex disease after endless hours of French kissing, I finally went to the gynecologist only to learn the truth: gonorrhea is not airborne and you can't contract herpes by dry humping with your clothes on. A yeast infection is incredibly common and most women will get one during their lifetime. It's also easily cured with products you can buy at any local pharmacy, unlike a VD, which, to quote "Delirious" Eddie Murphy, you will keep forever like luggage.