This week, the producers tried to pull a #ShirtlessSean fake-out on us by opening the episode with Chris Harrison in the "Bachelor" mansion living room instead of Sean's abs. Chris pops by -- wearing a bold purple shirt, which makes me considerably more excited for his upcoming clothing line -- to give Selma the first date card. While Selma is ecstatic and Leslie H. cries, #ShirtlessSean appears ... clad only in boxer briefs.
The Magic Happens Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Sean eventually puts on clothes, gets in a limo and goes to pick up Selma, who has announced to the camera that after three weeks of competing for fantasy suite love she wants to have Sean's babies. Her euphoria continues as they get on a private plane to go to a surprise location. But unluckily for "not very athletic," "I don't do well in heat" Selma, they land in the middle of the desert for a date of harnessed-up, physically intense rock climbing. "He took the Iraqi to a desert," Selma proclaims in a deadpan tone.
Luckily for Selma, Sean's decision to take "the glamorous girl out of her comfort zone" doesn't backfire. She gets a burst of "power" -- which she naturally attributes to Sean's manly ways -- and makes it up the rock to a beautiful view. Sean declares that "Selma loved everything about today's date" because he's apparently delusional. They then continue the "not glamorous" theme and go to a tricked out RV park with personalized trailers and snuggle under a plaid blanket on a wooden bed. During their requisite "opening up" sesh, we learn a few things:
1. Sean had one serious relationship post-college but he didn't want to marry her.
2. Selma grew up in a strict Arabic, Muslim household. Therefore she can't kiss someone on national TV or else it will upset her mother. (Dear Selma, have you ever SEEN "The Bachelor"?)
3. Selma is super into whispering/sort of baby talk when bonding with Sean. It's infuriating to listen to, but it wins her the rose!
Looking For A Woman Who Can Roll With The (Roller Derby) Punches
Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra get the group date. Amanda announces that this is her third group date (a virtual guarantee that she'll get sent home soon), Tierra says "I don't need no chaperones," and Sean tells the camera he's "throwing the women into a very athletic, aggressive environment." Well, this should be fun. After plying the ladies with a limo and mimosas, they arrive at a roller derby arena. Most of the girls are horrified (I mean, I wouldn't want to rollerskate drunk either), but Amanda brags about her roller derby prowess to freak all the girls out, and Tierra gets uncharacteristically excited because she can "knock some biatches down."
On the other side of the excitement spectrum, Sarah's one arm unfortunately does impact her balance. She nearly takes herself out of the game completely, but AshLee (quickly becoming my favorite despite the inexcusable spelling of her name) encourages her to get back out there. Sean also gives her a pep talk and she decides to go for it. But despite all the build-up, the game never gets going because uber-confident blader Amanda faceplants, potentially breaks her jaw and has trouble opening her mouth. Cue the second ambulance of the season, a hospital trip and tons of inappropriate blowjob jokes on Twitter! After watching one of his lady friends nearly die, Sean decides that maybe they should just free skate. Good call.
Have A Breakdown, Get A Rose?
The girls take off their hot pink derby uniforms and get dolled up for a night out. Unfortunately, most of the night revolves around Tierra -- who the other contestants have nicknamed "Tierrable" -- whining, picking fights and having a pseudo emotional breakdown. Tierra and Robyn start mouthing off to each other, Amanda returns to milk the sort-of-hurt-jaw sympathy card and Lindsay's sexy swimsuit time with Sean is cruelly cut short so that Tierra can cry to Sean/the producers that "living with all these women is so hard. It's torture!" Sean is apparently turned on by massive amounts of feigned insecurity, so to the other women's utter horror, he gives the group date rose to Tierra.
In Which We Collectively Forget That "Pretty Woman" Is About A Hooker
Leslie H. gets the last one-on-one date -- and it comes with diamond earrings! "This is like 'Pretty Woman,'" she exclaims. (Minus the whole prostitute thing of course.) Sean comes to pick her up in a slick silver sports car and takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive, which he definitively declares to be "every woman's dream" while comparing himself to Richard Gere. (Apparently these "Pretty Woman" references are in for the long haul.) Leslie picks out a fancy dress with an unfortunately pleated bow on the front -- note to all women: don't trust your date to choose your cocktail attire -- and then gets a purse, shoes and a lent-by-Neil-Lane necklace to match. All of this bling so early on in the season makes me think that Leslie H. is not long for this "Bachelor" world.
The decked-out duo goes to dinner and Sean hopes they "click." (This means that they won't.) We learn that Leslie H. grew up in Florida, her parents divorced when she was five and she dated her church BFF for seven years before they grew apart and he married someone else. (Her parents don't hold hands and cuddle still? Yup, she's definitely a goner.) "Sometimes someone looks so good on paper ... but it's just not there," says Sean, ostensibly talking about Leslie's ex, but really talking about him and Leslie.
We pause to see Tierra delicately eating some chips off of a china plate back at the house, and then cut back to Sean, who announces that Leslie has "wonderful qualities" but he doesn't feel the "romantic connection." So he picks up the rose ... and then dumps her, walks her out to a car and has to awkwardly take the 120-karat diamond necklace back. Leslie tells Sean that some of the girls "are not here for the right reasons" and then leaves. I feel a little bit bad for her, but then I realize that she got a designer dress, purse, heels and diamond earrings out of the deal -- all of which will last her longer than an in-the-tabloids "Bachelor" engagement. Sean listens to a band play while he's alone, sadly walking up a flight of stairs. He "feels bad," so naturally he illustrates his deep, melancholy emotions by dropping a rose off of a balcony in slow motion.
This Cocktail Party Includes A Chocolate Tasting
Everyone's on edge at the cocktail party after Leslie H.'s departure, except for Tierra who is thrilled, of course. Some highlights:
--Sarah is sporting a seriously excellent fishtail braid. She also proves her powers of deduction when she says, "You could definitely sense that there were fewer girls standing in the room tonight."
--AshLee gets some one-on-one time with Sean and is reassured that he like likes her.
--Robyn tries out a pick-up line on Sean asking him if he likes chocolate and then asking "Which chocolate do you want to taste?" This results in her ultimate goal: a Sean Lowe make-out.
--Des speaks for the first time this week! We get a glimpse of Lesley M. for the first time this week!
--Tierra has temporarily befriended crazy-eyes Amanda. She also attempts giving a backhanded apology to Jackie and Robyn because she's "too strong of a woman and too independent" to let the haters get her down.
--Catherine proves that she's smart and advises the women not to say anything to Sean about Tierra at this point. (Clearly, unlike Kacie B., she watched Kacie B.'s season of "The Bachelor.")
--Catherine also makes out with Sean, but not in front of the other women because that would be "inappropriate," unlike making out on reality television for millions of viewers.
--Tierra: "In life, I get what I want. Always."
We Know There Are Nine Roses Thanks To Chris Harrison
This week was emotional. There were highs and lows. Sean is emotionally invested with all sorts of real feelings.
SAFE: (Selma & Tierra already have roses) Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie (SERIOUSLY? She has never spoken), :: final rose call courtesy of Chris Harrison :: and Daniella.
ELIMINATED: Amanda, who is apparently heartbroken.
On Next Week's TWO Episodes...
Airplane! Two days! (Side note: Four hours of this next week?! Are you freaking kidding me?) Snow! Make outs in fields! Helicopter! Blindfod! Cheek kisses! Hugs! Double drama! Tears! Tierra's crazy laugh! Bad girls club! Tierra runs in a bikini! Gasps! Warming blankets! Shivering! Hospital!
Sean Shirtless Count: 2
Number of times you'll get to hear from me next week: 2
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