Thoughts going through my head as the second episode of "The Bachelor" this week began: Why am I spending another night of my week watching this? Why is ABC punishing me by airing this? What "all" could Sean possibly have to tell? Why is Sean so fully clothed?
After Chris Harrison welcomes us to Sean's "dramatic journey to find love," he informs us that he'll be dishing with Sean all about the ladies, the drama and falling in love. Because what could be better than seeing clips of all of the women he's sent home over the past six weeks? Ah, the memories. Here are some of the things we learned about Sean's eight-week journey to having the opportunity to bone three ladies in fantasy suites:
When Desiree's Bro Ruined It All
Chris has Sean address the "heart-wrenching" decision he made to send Des home as well as Des' "you're just a playboy" bro, Nate. Turns out, Sean thought he was joking at first because when they originally spoke, Nate was all giggles. Alas, he wasn't, and Sean wanted to punch him -- but resisted because of Desiree's uber-nice parents. "I just chalk it up to him being a jackass," says Sean. He also admitted that a less-than-fun interaction with Nate may have impacted Desiree's fate. But don't worry, Sean still has sooo much respect for Des and thinks she's totally great and was sooo sad when he watched her goodbye on TV. (Guys, Sean is sensitive.)
Best Quote: "Attacking my character is the quickest way to get me heated." --Sean
When Sarah Still Had One Arm
Guys, Sarah is still sweet! And smart! And strong! And she still has only arm! Did you forget? Because she only has one arm. And Sean didn't care that she only had one arm. "She just wants to be like everyone else," says Sean. Also, Chris reminds us that it was hard for her to play roller derby -- but that she was totally grateful that Sean/the production team made her do it on national TV. Sadly for sweet Sarah, Sean's smitten feelings for her ended with their lackluster Canadian kiss. Once he realized she wasn't his wife, he didn't want to waste any more of her time.
"Someone is gonna love her for the rest of her life... she just hasn't found it yet," says condescending Sean. (Tip: No single woman wants to be told by an ex that she just hasn't found the right guy yet.)
Best Quote: "Women that leave this show have learned quite a bit about themselves and go on to find the love of their lives"--Chris
When Selma Relied On Eskimo Kisses
Moving onto the Iraqi Muslim who wouldn't kiss on national television. Sean admits that he was really shocked a lady wouldn't make out with him, because she was very affectionate on the private jet they took together. But of course, he totally respected her decision to respect her mother -- despite the Chris-Harrison-branded "amazing sexual chemistry" the pair had. We also learn that to get around the "you're not allowed to kiss" rule, Selma and Sean did a whole lot of awkward rubbing their faces -- but not lips -- together on-camera. Let's all be thankful the producers chose to cut this footage.
Best Quote: "It's not in her culture to date out loud."--Chris
When Lesley Kissed Sean "Too Much"
Confirmed: Lesley M. was an awesome kisser. "The chemistry was there," says Sean. Lesley and Sean could totally be goofy together. We see some deleted footage of Sean and Lesley feeding each other brownies and trying to "talk dirty." It's fairly hilarious. (Lesley M., let's be friends.) Unfortunately for this "fan favorite," she committed a "Bachelor" cardinal sin and forgot to open up and say she loved Sean after having known him for six whole weeks. "Had she said 'I love you,' it could have been a game-changer," says Sean. Womp womp.
Best Quote: "You know how daddy likes his brownie, give it to me"--Sean, attempting some brownie-related dirty talk.
When Tierra Was Tierrable
Naturally, Chris left the Tierra talk to the last 20 minutes of the "Bachelor" special because that's all anyone watching really wanted to see. As Chris reminds us, Tierra was "the most talked about topic this season -- maybe ever on this show." We're treated to 15 minutes of rehashing the fights this Tierra-rist got into and Sean talking about how "duped" he was by her. "Tierra never should have come on the show," says Sean. Basically this was his mea culpa do all of the women who tried to warn him about Tierra's anti-social, "don't steal my sparkle" tendencies.
Best Quote: "She's a woman that simply can't get along with her peers"--Sean
When Montana Was Tierrable
At this point, Chris and Sean basically blame all of Sean's less-than-fun times on "The Bachelor" on Tierra. YOU SEE, Tierra prevented the other ladies from focusing 100 percent on Sean. The woman DID seem like a fairly miserable person, but even I started to feel a bit bad for her. The only entertaining part of this segment was the hilarious extended footage of what was apparently a multi-hour fight between Tierra and literally everyone else. "This journey could've been ruined because of Tierra," says Chris. "It really could have," replies Sean.
Best Quote: "Being the bachelor is not easy. In fact, it's really hard sometimes."--Sean, being deep.
What We've NEVER Seen Before
The best part of the whole unnecessary "Sean Tells All" episode was the 10 minutes of cut footage they showed toward the end. Here are some highlights:
--Ashley P., a.k.a. "Fifty Shades" girl, got smashed and told Sean the same story about how much her mom loves him three different times. Winner!
--Catherine sent Sean "nerd notes" throughout the season that had messages like "Sean, I have a major crush on you. P.S. Your arms are hairless. I dig that."
--Catherine is "a little odd" but Sean "digs that about her."
--Catherine can fit her entire body into the wheel well of a giant snow tire. "The girl is very flexible," says Sean, looking forward to next week's fantasy suite.
--Daniella does a really excellent Chris Harrison impression.
--Lindsay and Sean crowd-surfed at the concert they went to in Whitefish, Montana.
Best Quote: "I had [Ashley P.] in the final four in my 'Bachelor' pool. I lost a ton of money on that."--Chris
It's No One's Business What Sean Doesn't Do In The Fantasy Suites
When Chris Harrison brings up the upcoming overnight dates, Sean is a coy "gentleman." "Let's be honest. Viewers, everybody have a certain expectation about what takes place inside the fantasy suite," says Chris. (Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.) But Sean simply says that he's looking forward to spending time with his remaining three women without the cameras because he has a tough decision to make. "It's really none of your business," he says. Born-again virgin or not, we're sure Sean will find plenty to do with his lady-friends overnight.
Best Quote: "What Bachelors before me have done, I don't know." --Sean, playing dumb.
Over The Next Few Weeks...
Sean is so excited to be in Thailand! Last three girls! Head over heels! Lights! Making out! You were made for me! Amazing! Cool! Crazy in love! Sean's someone's soul mate! A cave! AshLee needs to let go! AshLee is terrified! Sean needs adventure! Bugs! Eating bugs! A card! Fantasy suite pressure! Catherine is traditional! Sean holds a ring! Two women! Sean knows! Sean feels a feeling! Sean's prepared to love! Sean's gonna put a ring on a finger! Sean will never stop loving her! Wonderful woman! Lives together! Reading a letter! Pensive face! Confused face! Possibly sad face!
Shirtless Sean Count: 1 very extended scene in the shower during the closing credits. Way to pull a #ShirtlessSean sneak attack, producers, complete with 1970s porn music. Well done. (We also learned that Sean prefers a washcloth to a loofah.)
LOOK: The Best Tweets About "Sean Tells All"