Funny Tweets
"(Flirting) if i was murdered would u solve my case?"
"Engaging in marital warfare by loudly stirring my yogurt in a glass jar to retaliate against my husband for offensively slurping his cereal."
"My bf keeps saying i like being inside & doing nothing bc i was socialized by cats and omg he’s right."
"There are those who can’t relax when there are dishes in the sink and those who don’t even notice dishes in the sink and they marry each other."
WHAT'S HAPPENING
"My son just informed me it’s illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli."
"a candle is just a pet fire"
"I’m not saying parenting is hard. I’m just saying I was a lot better at it before I had kids."
"if i were a cat i’d be scared and puffed up all the time"
"On todays flight I met a cat flying in first class who will be walking in NY and Paris fashion weeks. Life is a bountiful buffet."
"No one is living a better life than the dog of a married couple who have decided not to have kids."