Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican or a hopelessly confused millennial I think you will agree that this has been the most educational presidential election in history. For most of my seven decades on the planet I believed that America was the greatest and most powerful nation in world, a bastion of freedom built by immigrants— refugees from religious and economic persecution— a place where hardworking people of all ethnicities have the right to become whatever they want to become, as long as they have the talent and ingenuity to do it. A land of true opportunity where even a young man making do with a small $14 million loan from his dad can build an empire that is worth at least as much as it would had he taken that money and invested it in a good index fund.
Like millions of other Americans, I have seen the light, thanks to Donald J. Trump. For the past 240 years of American History, politicians have quietly been destroying America from within by being suckers, making bad trade deals (remember when we bought Alaska and got that horrible woman), allowing people into our country who are not white or even Christian. That’s why all the black people and brown people and yellow people around the world are so much better off than we are today. Did you know that we Americans are down to only 41.6 percent of all the world’s wealth? Sad.
What we need is a man who can take us back to the days when America was really great. You remember those days. Women got up at dawn to make their men biscuits and gravy before they marched off to the fields and factories to earn enough money to pay billionaires taxes and live as far away from ”colored” people as possible. Children didn’t give you any sass because they knew you would beat the hell out of them. Schools were separate but equal and every child over the age of 10 had the God-given right to work in the mines and the mills. Women didn’t need to go to college because everyone knew they were “just going to get married and knocked up anyway.” Boorish men said to each other at the end of a great expense-account lunch “I’ll have my girl call your girl.” In those days, there were no Muslims or wars or floods or hurricanes or tornadoes. The trains always ran on time.
Because this election is so important to the future of America, I think it’s important that we all understand what Mr. Trump stands for. It is our last hope to reclaim OUR AMERICA. I urge you to think about these things carefully before you get to the polls. Here’s what you need to know.
1) America is a shit-hole.
2) I am a loser. My friends are losers. You’re probably a loser, too.
3) Only Donald J. Trump can save us. Why is he making this sacrifice? Because he loves us.
4) Black people are special losers. They all live in American Allepos and are afraid to go outside their homes which is why there are no successful black people except those who sing and dance and can run fast.
5) Things were really nice when Frank and Dean used to kid Sammy in Vegas. Black people had more of a sense of humor back then.
6) A 6’3” man who weigh 237 pounds is not borderline morbidly obese but a woman who gains five pounds is Miss Piggy.
7) The most important measure of a man is penis size.
8) The most important quality in a woman is weight. Fat women are disgusting
9) Only little people pay taxes or contractors.
10) The biggest threat to America today is ISIS.
11) The second biggest threat is Rosie O’Donnell. And she’s fat.
12) We would have no ISIS problem if Hillary hadn’t invented them and/or had taken care of the problem when they first cropped up in 1975.
13) Rudy Guiliani is not crazy. Believe me. And he only dresses up in women’s clothing for special occasions.
14) Rudy, Jeff Sessions, Loco Mike Flynn, Chris Christie, Ivanka, Donald Jr., the other one who runs the phony foundation are all amazingly qualified and competent people who will make the best cabinet America’s has ever seen. Big league.
15) Mexico is definitely paying for the wall and this whole mess (including building the WALL should take 3 months. Tops.
16) Dictators are nice people. Vladimir Putin is a nice person. Donald Trump is a nice person. They’re just misunderstood. And bad people tell lies about them.
17) Mr. Trump is going to be such a good dictator that you’ll wish you had thought of choosing him as your personal salvation 30 years ago.