A Hollywood insider scumbag passed along the following top secret document to me: a sample week of television programming that the networks and cable outfits have designed with the looming Screen Actors Guild strike and overall budget considerations in mind. Behold the future of entertainment...
MONDAY
8-9
ABC - Dancing With the Teamsters
CBS - Mannix: "There Is a Season, Die, Die, Die" (repeat)
NBC - 1938 Indian Head Test Pattern
FOX - Governor Schwarzenegger Meets with Lawmakers in Special Session and Cancels All California Infrastructure Projects
CW - Sketch Artists Draw the Whole Gossip Girl Cast Fucking
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
9 - 10
ABC - Dancing With the Teamsters Union Mandated Five-Hour Dinner Break
CBS - Surveillance Video of Charlie Sheen Renewing Pact With Satan
NBC - Security Tapes of Teri Weinberg Cleaning Out Her Desk
FOX - Kiefer Sutherland's Community Service Footage
CW - Why Mommy and Daddy Hate You (industrial film, 1955)
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
10 - 11
ABC - Lawyers But, Like, They're In Space (unaired David E. Kelley pilot, 2007)
CBS - CSI: Red Lobster
NBC - Jay Leno's Wonderful World of Denim
MTV - Heidi, Whitney, Lauren, et al., Are Put Into Sausage Grinder, Replaced By Pieces of Plywood, No One Notices
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
TUESDAY
8-9
ABC - The Best of YouTube Kitties In Socks
CBS - Barnaby Jones: "One Fish, Red Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish" (repeat)
NBC - Hand Shadow Theatre (tonight: Bunny)
FOX - Outtakes of Hugh Laurie Being Adorably Self-Effacing
CW - Ugly Teens Doing Stuff!
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
9 - 10
ABC - The Best of YouTube Kitties Chasing Laser Pointers
CBS - Video Fireplace
NBC - Dr. Kildare: "He's Going to Live, Do You Hear Me?" (repeat)
FOX - J.J. Abrams In Star Trek Editing Room, Trying to Avoid the Wrath of 20 Million Drooling Fanboys
CW - MySpace Teen Suicide Jubilee!
Bravo - The Real Housewives of Appalachia
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
10 - 11
ABC - The Best of YouTube Kitties Chasing Laser Pointers While in Socks
CBS - Arsenio Hall Remembers When He Mattered
NBC - Jay Leno's Wonderful World of Carburetors
Bio Channel - William Shatner Enjoys a Variety of Tempting Craft Service Foods In Lieu of Salary
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
WEDNESDAY
8-9
ABC - The Jared From Subway Low-Cal Smile Show (guests: Bob's Big Boy, Mayor McCheese, Umberto Eco)
CBS - Julia Louis-Dreyfus Cashes Her Seinfeld Residuals and Catches Up on Reading
NBC - The Ben Silverman Develops More Stellar Reality Shows While Everyone Else Around Him Gets It In the Neck Hour
FOX - American Idol Contestants Limited to Public Domain Songs Waltzing Matilda and The Kaiser's Got the Blues
CW - A Creepy Old Guy Tells Scary Stories While Holding a Flashlight Under His Chin
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
9 - 10
ABC - Marcus Welby, M.D.: "Smoking Is Bad, Very Bad" (repeat)
CBS - Infomercial: The Sonic Ass-Wiper
NBC - Deal or No Deal Contestants Play for Hickory Farms Cheese Logs
FOX - Still Photographs of Emily Deschanel **
CW - Beauty and the Thalidomide Teenager
Bravo - We Turn Fired Stanley Works Employees From Drab to Fab!
PBS - Masterpiece Theatre (repeat, 1974; King Henry the Middling)
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
10 - 11
ABC - Lawyers But, Like, They Can Fly (unaired David E. Kelley pilot, 2004, 2005, 2006)
CBS - CSI: Misty Kingdom Ball Pit
NBC - Jay Leno's Aw, Shucks Hour Sponsored By Smuckers
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
THURSDAY
8-9
ABC - Others Girls Named America Talk About America
CBS - Survivor: Jeff Probst's Refrigerator
NBC - The Rosie O'Donnell Pageant of Unrelenting Stridency (unaired pilot, 2005)
FOX - Sonny Von Bulow Coma Bloopers
CW - Coming Up On Local News...
AMC - Movie Geeks See Sunlight For First Time, Are Scared and Confused
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
9 - 10
ABC - Civil War Reenactors Read Grey's Anatomy Scripts, Mary Todd Lincoln Complains About Not Having Enough To Do
CBS - Omnibus (repeat, 1953; John Steinbeck's O, Little People!; The Thistlestock Puppeteers; Japan's Flowing Kimono Dance Squad and Fabric Softeners)
NBC - Tina Fey Touches Blind People, Restores Their Sight
FOX - Waiters Piss in Gordon Ramsay's Food
CW - ...and Shelley With the Five-Day Forecast!
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
10 - 11
ABC - Streets of San Francisco: "I'm a Little Teapot, Short and Dead" (repeat)
NBC - Jay Leno Burns Effigy of Conan O'Brien
Comedy Central - Rod Blagojevich Roast
Animal Planet - Video Aquarium
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
FRIDAY
8-9
ABC - We Barge In On Families and Make Them Feed Us
CBS - Jennifer Love Hewitt Bra and Panties Auction (live/web simulcast)
NBC - America's Creamiest Soups
FOX - The Day the World Got Rickets (1951; Jerrard Fairbrother, Jordan Lang, Abe Davids) ***
CW - Infomercial: Turn Your Urine...Into Earnin'!
VH1 - Top 100 Words in King Lear ****
Disney - Watch Walt Thaw
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
9 - 10
ABC - America's Zaniest Nannies Secretly Beating Kids Videos
CBS - Playhouse 90 (repeat, 1957; Rod Serling's Cry Sell-Out!)
NBC - The Ghost of Jack Paar Warms Up the Audience, Says "Water Closet," Is Fined 10 Million Dollars By the FCC
CW - Norman Schwarzkopf Press Conference (repeat, 1991)
VH1: Dramatic Prairie Dog Rehab
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
10 - 11
ABC - 20/20: John Stossel Investigates Jump Rope Safety
NBC - Jay Leno Watches His Soul Evaporate
HGTV - Sprucing Up Your Underpass
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
SATURDAY
8-9
ABC - Disney's Pope Orangutan (1973; Kurt Russell, Helen Hayes, Broderick Crawford)
CBS - Loop of Jack Ruby Shooting Lee Harvey Oswald
NBC - Dateline NBC: Nougat Vs. Taffy: Which Is Chewier?
CW - Wasn't This Network Just a Big Tax Write-Off?
FOX - Cops Type Reports, Answer Phones
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
9 - 10
CBS - Loop of Jack Ruby Shooting Lee Harvey Oswald (director's cut; commentary by Ridley Scott)
NBC - Lucas Tanner: "A Lesson...In Love" (repeat)
FOX - When Obstetricians Attack
CW - WTIC-TV Channel 3 Hartford Test Pattern (repeat)
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
10 - 11
ABC - Lawyers But, Like, They're Invisible (unaired David E. Kelley pilot, 1998, 1999, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004)
CBS - The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour (repeat, 1970; guests: Ronnie Milsap, Yma Sumac, Peter Fonda)
NBC - Jay Leno's Wackiest Goofs, Geeps, and Guffaws
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
SUNDAY
8-9
ABC - Extreme Makeover: Ant Farm Edition
CBS - The Amazing Race, From Kmart in Titusville to the Kmart Across the Street
NBC - Victory at Sea, Part 24: "The Nauseous Warriors" (repeat)
FOX - The Simpsons Voice Actors Are Replaced By Michael Winslow
CW - Infomercial: Jack LaLanne Kale Magnetizer
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
9 - 10
ABC - Hidden Video: Watch Teri Hatcher's Skull Collapse
CBS - Armstrong Circle Theatre (repeat, 1959; Reginald Rose's Template for Despair)
FOX - We Sell Huckleberry Hound Cels (live/web simulcast)
CW - Infomercial: The Incredible Add-a-Wart
Showtime - The Ted Bundy Original Amateur Hour (unaired pilot, 1982; guests: Linda Evans, Mr. T, John Wayne Gacy)
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
10 - 11
ABC - Afterschool Special: There's a Family of Marmosets In My Vagina (repeat, 1977; Kristy McNichol, Leif Garrett, Cantinflas)
NBC - Jay Leno Gets Us Through This Recession With Advice His Father Repeatedly Told Him
Spike TV - Guys Punch Things Then Jerk Off
TBS - Frank TV Commercials for Frank TV
** which, by the way, is just fine by me
*** What movie is this? Find out at The Parallel Universe Film Guide!
**** number #1: never