Citizen! Righteous shopper! Economic doldrums got you down? Black Friday making you want to choke the Walmart heirs with a lawnmower? Cheer up, friend. This is America. Even in our darkest hour, we can find solace, unity, a fresh beacon of hope.
Behold, salvation... in a can! This year, why not enjoy the one product already proven to fix everything, stop unruly complaining and change perspectives in an instant? That's right: Pepper spray. Defense Technology 56895 MK-9, to be exact. The perfect stocking stuffer! Recommended by Lt. John Pike, the 99 percent and shrewd Walmart shoppers! Excellent for use on:
1) Congress. Start easy! This is the lowest rated, most despised U.S. congress since, well, since the last one. Put them out of their self-loathing misery by, well, adding just a little bit more to it. Best applied during judicial appointment hearings, supercommittee meltdowns and meetings where they give themselves raises while kissing the ring of Wall Street. Spray liberally! Pretty much all of Congress is one giant mucus membrane.
2) Banks. I'm not suggesting you march into BofA or Chase and douse the innocent, underpaid teller. But after discovering how the banks raked in some $13 billion in profit from secret bailout loans from the Fed, I am suggesting we start with someone a little higher up. Maybe this guy. Or these guys. Or Michael Bloomberg. Pssshhht!
3) Greece. I have no idea what's going on there, either. Something to do with excessive lending, an atrocious tax system, and overly salty souvlaki. Like Italy, Greece's recent, world-destabilizing woes make it seem like a global economy, a secret one-world currency, and the imminent total enslavement of the entire human race by our lizard overlords from the 5th dimension are bad ideas. WTF?
4) Toddlers. Oh, they think they're so cute. They think they're so important, what with claiming to be... what was it again? Right. "The future." I mean, please.
Enough of them. Look at it this way: If it wasn't for toddlers, we wouldn't have to worry about the environment, the water supply, the economy, oil, anything at all. We could run riot, pwn this meager planet and abuse it to smithereens, just like the GOP intended. Here, little ones. Try a dose of harsh reality, courtesy of the police department. Psshhht. See you in college!
5) The gays. Right? Obviously? The cause of everything that's wrong with everything everywhere? Duh.
6) Unruly teens. Nothing ruins the holidays faster than a sullen 13-year-old who won't come out of her room because Edward and Bella can't have sex and she just discovered that furiously petting a Justin Bieber poster and wearing way too much eyeliner don't make the voices stop. "Bethany, come up to dinner, now!" "No!" Pssshhht.
7) The GOP. Imagine the smiles on your kids' faces this Christmas morn when you show them a YouTube video of a screaming, crying, face-clawing Newt, Cain, Mitt, and all those who think the 99 percent are a bunch of loser hippies who need a haircut and a job -- a job they can't actually get because the one percent are heartless cretins with no sense of perspective. (Similar to spraying all of Congress, but with lots more whining about how it's all the gays' fault).
8) Hipster cyclists. Oh right, like you've never been driving along all calm and happy, when suddenly a skinny hipster whips in front of you and flips you off with one hand while toking on his American Spirit with the other, even as he chugs his Four Barrel triple latte with his giant beard before pedaling his fixie all the way to the Piercing Emporium to punch holes in your unsuspecting kids. Heathens! I pepper spray your nicely converted Schwinn and/or cool Chrome messenger bag!
9) Lululemon Athletica. Look, basing an entire clothing company on pert, go-gettim' girl bumper-stickerisms stolen from The Secret and Landmark Forum is cheesy enough. But splattering "Who is John Galt?" Ayn Rand mutant libertarianism on your shopping bags? You've officially jumped the shark, Lulu -- anti-camel toe, four-way gusseted crotch superfabric or no. Done with you....
To read more festive uses for pepper spray, click here.
Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the San Francisco Chronicle and SFGate. He recently wondered who in your life you find perfectly toxic, cheered that the gay agenda will see you now, and is fairly certain Jesus took magic mushrooms. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention...