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5 New GOP Debate Rules

Politics is not about reality, it's about perception, and when you bring something as meaningless as the truth into it, you desecrate all the hard work that's gone into creating a narrative of an elaborate alternate reality.
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Comedian/Breathing Enthusiast

Comedian/Breathing Enthusiast
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After the CNBC GOP debate fiasco where moderators had the gall to ask candidates probing questions and confront them with their own personal untruths, inaccuracies and hypocritical behavior, the candidates' various campaign managers have come together to exercise their influence over upcoming debates and prevent a future catastrophe.

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They have negotiated five new GOP debate rules which all future networks must concede to in order for them to participate going forward.

  1. No Hard Questions: This is a popularity contest, not a debate club. No one wants to see their favorite rabble rouser cornered and defensive. It's not attractive. To avoid this, all moderators should meet with candidates beforehand to rehearse softball questions that will help set up their talking points, quips, witty retorts, zingers and applause breaks.

  • No Questions at All, Actually: On second thought, it's probably best not to leave anything open to interpretation. Even a simple yes-or-no question coming from the the mouth of the liberal media could potentially cause one of our candidates to accidentally reveal a truth they're trying to conceal in a bed of bombastic rhetoric and outright lies. Best to start off with a statement such as "you've said in the past" and bookend end it with "please expand."

  • No Fact Checking: The latest trend in gotcha journalism seems to be to hold candidates accountable for discrepancies between fact and fiction, whether it's a simple unsubstantiated grandiose claim being made to rile Looney Tunes fringe voters, or misquoted studies mentioned to bolster policies that will actually harm the people they're alleging to help. Politics is not about reality, it's about perception, and when you bring something as meaningless as the truth into it, you desecrate all the hard work that's gone into creating a narrative of an elaborate alternate reality. America loves its reality television. You're ruining it! No one wants to see the little, pathetic gray-haired shyster behind the curtain.

  • Unconditional Love: Campaigning is hard work. Lots of people say mean things, challenge your beliefs and assumptions, and even expect you to give them pragmatic answers to everyday problems whose solutions are contrary to your political agenda of enriching the top 1 percent by any means necessary. The last thing our candidates need is to feel negative energy or unsupported. It is therefore important that all participating moderators do their darndest to make each individual candidate feel cared for, special and unconditionally loved at all times. Warm smiles, ingratiating laughs, encouraging pats on the back and pre-debate hugs and snuggles are more than welcome.

  • Absolutely No Bleeding from Wherevers: Donald made us put this one in. Please make sure none of your token females are on the rag. It's bad enough that they've shirked their wifely duties of staying home to cook, clean and service their husbands as obedient broodmares. We don't need them all hopped up on their crazy hormones reacting emotionally and unpredictably and irking serious men trying to get things done.

    • Read More of Warren's Writing at ContraryToPopularOpinion.com.

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