President-Elect to make Donald Trump Jr. Director of National Zoo

11/30/2016 11:30 am ET Updated Nov 30, 2016

Alt-Right Group Opposing Animal Rights Endorses His Appointment

President-elect Trump announced today that he will appoint his eldest son, Donald John “Don” Trump Jr., Director of the National Zoo. As director, Trump Jr. will oversee the 163-acre facility located in the District’s Rock Creek Park. The zoo provides habitats for 400 different species of animals, about 25 percent of them endangered, including lions and tigers and bears.

“Soon after we won the election, I asked Don Junior to target some job he’d like to have in my Administration,” the President-elect commented when announcing the appointment. “Actually, I was hoping to make him Comptroller of the Currency or Director of the US Mint, but he shot both ideas down. It turns out that Don had the Zoo in his crosshairs the whole time. He said it was a job he’d kill to get. See, he’s got this thing about animals — they’re his passion. Trust me, ‘little Don’ will be a HUUUGE success at the job!”

The President-elect’s announcement set off a firestorm of criticism. During the campaign, Trump’s two elder sons were denounced by animal rights activists when wildlife protection websites posted photos of them on safari in Zimbabwe. The brothers were shown proudly posing beside the carcasses of animals they killed — a quarry that included elephants and crocodiles and water buffaloes and lions and tigers and bears.

The President-elect’s selection of Trump Jr. was heartily endorsed, however, by one citizen organization that’s intensely concerned with animal rights — but not in a positive way. It opposes them. Animal Wrongs, a self-identified alt-right group, was formed recently to seek repeal of the Endangered Species Act. It is an adjunct of the National Rifle Association. Animal Wrongs also advocates deep cuts in Federal funding for what it calls “animal welfare zealotry.”

According to Professor Birdie Nimrod, the group’s President, Animal Wrongs operates on the principle that “animals should earn their own keep just like everybody else. Why should dumb animals get lavish government handouts when working-class Americans have to bust their butts just to put food on the table?”

Given its prominence, the National Zoo has been a principal target of attacks by Animal Wrongs, which sees the institution as emblematic of all that’s wrong with animals.

“Zoo animals dwell in the lap of luxury,” Professor Nimrod claims. “They spend their days gamboling in beautifully landscaped enclosures — cavorting, prancing, and frisking, as happy as clams. They never have to worry about where their next meal is coming from! And because these species are ‘endangered,’ zoo keepers go to great lengths to encourage them to have sex as often as possible. Holy cow, imagine that! I ask you, how many decent, hard-working Americans would gladly trade their humdrum lifestyle for that of a zoo animal?!”

Animal Wrongs expects Zoo-Director-to-be Trump to make deep cuts in the National Zoo’s budget. The organization claims that such cuts can be easily achieved by reducing the population of animals kept there through a practice they call thinning the herd.

“Why should hard-pressed American taxpayers feed and house dozens of these beasts,” Nimrod asks. “Can’t we make do with only two specimens of each species, one male and one female? That was plenty good enough for Noah’s Ark. So it should be plenty good enough for the National Zoo. And what’s the dif anyway? If you’ve seen one giraffe you’ve seen them all.”

Just how herds of zoo animals are “thinned” is, of course, a matter of great controversy. The big question is: can it be done humanely?

“Oh, there’s no need to worry about that,” Nimrod asserts confidently. “With Don Trump in charge we can be certain the thinning will be done humanely. He’s a superb marksman! You want proof? Just look at all those photographs taken when he was on safari. It’s clear that those animals never knew what hit them.

Please note: this is not fake news but authentic satire. 

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