The days, weeks and months post break-up are the most important part of our recovery process. Why? Because it is the time we are the most raw and do the most reflecting. During this time, we tend to replay conversations and scenarios in our head and examine all aspects of the relationship.
It is also the time we tend to assign blame to our ex and stand righteously behind why we were done so wrong.
He did me so wrong! I was so abused and mistreated. What a jerk/bitch! How dare she!
Short-term it feels great to the ego to point the finger outward; however, long-term it serves nothing.
When we place 100% blame on our partner and are unwilling to see the part we played (no matter how minute it seems) we will continue to bring our own dysfunctional relationship patterns into every future relationship we have.
Let me explain further…
Each relationship we experience is a classroom for us to grow in. If we look only at the places our ex needs to grow, we will never learn what is intended for us and we will continue to attract relationships that will attempt to show us ourselves.
Do you want to experience another dysfunctional relationship, another breakup? Do you really think you played no part? Does the need to be right and place total blame on your ex really trump your own emotional growth and wellness?
It wasn’t until I experienced the worst betrayal of my life did I finally open my mind to the idea that I had played a part in the downfall of my failed relationships.
I finally recognized I was the common denominator. I was the who allowed my partners to dishonor and disrespect me because I was unable to set and maintain healthy boundaries. That was my contribution. It didn’t matter if my part was only 10% or not as destructive as his; I still had to take complete responsibility for what part was mine. My relationships served to show me where I needed to heal and grow in order to attract the relationship I’d always desired.
Recognize the Common Theme
If we truly open our minds and look close enough, we will see the common theme that runs through all our failed relationships. Here is a few examples of common themes. One or several might look familiar to you.
- You are fearful of communication
- You are too walled off to allow someone close
- You let your partners walk all over you then resent them for it
- You choose people who are exciting (i.e. Bad boys) rather than partners who are rich in character
- You attract commitment phobes or are one yourself
- You think nothing of yourself therefore you partners treat you like nothing
- You lie to avoid confrontation
- You avoid difficult subjects
Discovering your common theme is the first step!
This is when the magic happens!
We cannot heal what we do not know exists. Once you become clear on your part of the equation, celebrate it!
I am so grateful I discovered my pattern of _______. I will focus on doing the work to heal this disempowered pattern so I may dissolve it for good!
Friends, I could not maintain appropriate boundaries with my partners when they were clearly wrong. I’d pout, cry, talk, talk, talk, and talk, threaten and yell, but nothing would ever change. I couldn’t set boundaries because I was afraid I would lose their love or the relationship would end. I was weak and afraid. I banked my self-worth on how they thought of me and fell short of empowerment every time it mattered most.
I had no idea I was a doormat and repeatedly attracted men who treated me the way I treated myself.
When I recognized my common theme, focused on my healing and learned to transcend my disempowered places, my boundaries became unwavering because I was no longer afraid of losing the love. My emotional health and well-being had become more important to me than anything.
Not long after doing the work, as if by magic, I attracted a man who reciprocally loves and respects me. A man who works with me, grows with me and complements my personality beautifully.
And the same can happen for you!
Be Gentle With You
Please understand you are a work in progress just like everyone else. Give yourself grace for the points of healing you discover within yourself. Beating yourself up will only strengthen and perpetuate the unworthiness behind your fearful and disempowered behavior.
Rest knowing your healing will change the dynamic of all your relationships for the better and forever!
Allow a sense of freedom to wash over you as you now have been released from a hidden place inside yourself that has dictated the theme in your relationships. You are now on path to attracting the relationship of your dreams!
Having trouble recognizing your common theme? Contact me at email@example.com for a FREE 30 minute coaching session to get your started!