Dear Mr. Penis-Owning Dummie,
There’s an evil rumor out there telling lies about Vagina Owners. And, much like all guys wearing skinny jeans, it will be rooted out and destroyed. But first, here’s a Creation Story about how Penis Dummies were expelled from Eden:
Once upon a time, a Primal Stupid Asshole (Penis Dummie) wanted a Primal Simple Bitch (Vagina Lady) and she wanted him too! But he managed to make her angry. Mr. Primal Asshole couldn’t figure out why, and so he said: “Let there be no responsibility for Penis Dummies. Primal Vaginas are so complicated, oh well. I’ll keep trying to bang Vaginas though . . . ”
Thusly, the ancient Primal Asshole told his progeny the fable that all Vaginas demand a long list of batshit requirements from Penis Dummies written in hieroglyphics in order to achieve happiness. So let it be written, many Dummies still wonder why they don’t get any play.
Now fast-forward to the present-day: whereby we Vaginas have also become complicit in perpetuating this holy and convenient lie just like you. After all, pretending to be enigmas makes us feel more interesting. But the truth is, we're not that complicated. You’re all just stupid.
The time has come to educate all Penis Dummies properly once and for all.
Primal Simple Bitches
The Vagina Ladies that like Penis Dummies! It might shock you to know what we actually want from you Primal Stupid Assholes: not fucking much.
So. Are you ready for the sick sad truth? Prepared to make us putty-in-your-hands?
Pay attention or suffer consequences. We only give a fuck about 3 things. We’ll call them “Pillars”.
~ OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE 3 FUCKS ~
*CRITICAL NOTE: We require all 3 items below. Each pillar needs to be present or you lose. If you give your pet Vagina 2.5 pillars or less she will make you miserable.
1) THE DICK PILLAR: DICKmatize us.
Hey Dummie! We need to be VERY sexually attracted to you. And, Vaginas are way more discriminating than you. In this case, “shallow” is the new “primal”!
This Dick pillar penetrates us beyond your pretty face and is the hardest to accomplish. Nature is not politically correct and if you don’t thrust your Dick pillar firmly in place in the beginning, you’re 100% fucked - and not in the way you want to be. That said, Primal Stupid Asshole, sex chemistry is mysterious and no one has much control over it.
But still you wonder, “How can I DICKmatize a Vagina, Feminist Jesus? I don’t know how!!!”
Ok Penis Dummie, being your “sexiest self” is important even though it will only get you so far. First, get Thee to the gym. You have high standards for us and we have high standards for you. Mofo.
Otherwise, it’s imperative that you brainwash yourself into feeling confident, and therefore sexier. If any variable affects your Dick confidence, fix it - this may mean growing bigger and better muscles at the aforesaid gym or making more money. Just remember that even your juiciest self won’t work for a Primal Bitch who doesn’t jive with your pheromones.
Speaking of which, you may like to make fun of Primal Simple Bitches who are obsessed with your Dick as if they’re helpless morons and therefore disposable. But the truth is, you should be fucking grateful when you find a Primal Vagina who’s truly addicted to your face and body symmetry, man-smell and “energy” because that means you actually have a chance with her long-term. Any Primal Vagina who is not obsessed with you sexually is going to become restless and leave you. Or, she’ll get depressed about her entire passionless life and get fat as she eats to fill the void your Dick pillar isn’t filling. If she’s lucky in these scenarios, she’ll eventually realize why she’s overeating, get skinny, and leave you. Or she’ll skip the weight gain, bang the poolboy, and leave you. Unless you’re rich. Then she’ll just keep banging the poolboy.
Your major takeaway? If she’s not all over you like a Primal-Bitch-in-heat, she’s just not that into your Dick pillar.
2) THE TRUST PILLAR: Don’t hunt other Primal Bitches. Or make us doubt you.
This one should seem obvious but with growing complications involving social media and polyamory, pillar 2 needs to be articulated very carefully. Let’s start with polyamory, otherwise known as “multiple partners” horseshit. First of all, there are Vagina Champions who claim to be polyamorous. Basically, they wanna bang a bunch of Primal Assholes - and perhaps other Primal Bitches - while keeping an open-relationship or otherwise spiritually-tortured boyfriend at home.
While Feminist Jesus does believe this can be possible within a healthy adult psyche, she offers you the consideration that most Primal Simple Bitches who want multiple sex partners are simply not interested in you enough. In other words: she isn’t DICKmatized and is just pretending to be a special kind of “free-spirit” because it suits her heroic personal narrative. That said, for Vaginas who truly enjoy polyamory, if you double-cross their special definition of trust (whatever the fuck that happens to be on Tuesdays) then you’re out of luck with these Primal Simple Bitches too.
But how to appease the rest of us who want you, the Primal Stupid Asshole, all to ourselves? Be trustworthy. To most Vaginas, that means not banging other Vaginas (or anything that lives on the same real estate as another Vagina), or giving your special Vagina the impression that you want to bang other Vaginas. This is where social media, otherwise known as modern dating spyware, comes into play. Penis Dummie, stop following or “liking” pics of suspicious Primal Bitches on Instagram. Why? Because we stalk your feed, Mr. Shady Prick. Several times a day! If you’re so interested in other Vaginas, you’re clearly not very interested in your own pet Vagina. In which case, let her go be with someone who will give her a STRONG HARD TRUST PILLAR. That said, if you do want to keep your fuzzy Cave-of-Wonders coming back for more magical treasure pillages, don’t let her feel insecure about your wandering wand. Dumbass.
Some fascinating things about this Trust pillar and the last pillar below is that you can always improve them as they are determined by your awareness and effort. Similarly, if you fuck these pillars up, you will virtually always murder a rare and solid Dick pillar too (the hardest one to get). Imagine a Dummie-induced earthquake where it all falls down, with no solid shafts to hold up the relationship . . .
3) THE SIGNIFICANCE PILLAR: Make us feel important and adored. Or die.
Just like the other two pillars, if this one is absent or vacillates too much, you might actually be murdered - or worse: subject to all of our unsolicited opinions. Yes, we want to be heard. And seen. And valued. And respected. And loved and pampered. And yes, we need to have enough self-worth to give this to ourselves. But . . . if we’re in a relationship with you, you’d better make us feel ridiculously important to you or shit will hit the fan.
If you can’t figure out how to demonstrate your interest all-the-fucking-time, we’ll do what you call “crazy things” to get your attention. In fact, our favorite line of defense to feeling insignificant is waging verbal or silent wars with you. Penis Dummie, just know that when we pick on you it’s because we still have hope that you might give a shit about us. We hope it’s a really big shit, actually. A huge steaming pile of shitty significance.
Nevertheless! If we sense our pile-of-shit Significance pillar is shrinking fast, our Dick pillar will also deflate like a flabby shaft, and we’ll leave you. And, if you’re mean to us even 10% of the time (like picking fights, trying to “win” against us, and being selfish), remember that we can’t feel adored, important, and somehow persecuted simultaneously.
Lastly, If you’re actually in love with your pet Vagina, this pillar shouldn’t seem like “work”. If it seems like a pain in the ass to adore your Primal Bitch, please go fuck off immediately. Release her to be with someone who will be happily obsessed with her. Before she kills you.
BONUS FOR PENIS DUMMIES! “WHAT PRIMAL BITCHES DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT”
Though it should seem self-explanatory based on the 3 pillars above, you must be enlightened about the shit that doesn’t matter. This is mostly because you are so trained to believe that it does matter. Let’s begin:
1) Your politics don’t matter. Even if we’re tight-ass liberals. Or tight-ass conservatives. Not if we like you and you’re good to people. All we want is your vote in our ballot box. And other things in our box.
2) Your spirituality or religion doesn’t matter. As long as you’re not a dick about your beliefs or non-beliefs and don’t make us feel shitty about ours, we don’t care. Halleluyah. The three pillar package provides all that spirituality crap we claim to need.
3) Your money, car, job, and intelligence doesn’t matter. WHOA!!! All this shit may lend you some helpful Dick-pillar-confidence, but if we like you, we don’t give a shit. Even gold diggers end up with the poolboy. Not Mr. Pulitzer Prize winner. But! If a Dummie is TOO stupid, he will kill at least one pillar. Primal Asshole, just try to be smart enough to accomplish the 3 pillars. Yet, as you already know, most of you are too stupid for that.
So! Do you still question our Primal Simple Bitchiness? Are you determined to believe Ms. Vagina is telling the truth when she pretends her lackluster interest in you is merely “complicated”?
Well, Penis Dummie!
“And then Feminist Jesus said, ‘Let there be Meh. Thou shalt spank Thyself forevermore. Awwwww . . . Men.’”