Welcome! In today's post we are (once again) going to be judging people. (I'm a blogger, what did you expect?)
A while back, I gave the ladies a little bit of a hard time, so it's only fair to give the menfolk their due. I had every intention of judging them by their hair, but then I realized: I don't actually judge men by their hair. (Unless it's in a ponytail. That's just not OK.) But what I do judge men on are their manners. What says more about a man than how they treat that elderly lady on the subway? Exactly.
And so, I present to you: The Same Blogger's (Highly Abridged) Guide to Judging Men (By Their Manners).
Crime: Spitting. Anywhere, anytime, particularly in public.
Judgment: He's played / plays too many sports. When you point it out, he'll say: "It's a baseball thing." Also: he's spoiled.
Punishment: It's a baseball thing, is it? Fine. No more watching baseball (or football, or basketball, or soccer, or any other sport involving men, balls, or spitting). The TV is mine. Grey's Anatomy marathon HERE. I. COME.
Crime: Not giving up his seat on the subway to the elderly (man OR woman), pregnant, or other such deserving persons.
Judgment: Spoiled. With a mother who was not nearly strict enough and who has an image to which you will never live up.
Punishment: I would say huffily giving up your own seat while giving said culprit scathing look, except I've tried this and it doesn't work. A stiff elbow to the solar plexus usually produces quick (albeit fleeting) results.
Punishment: Strict training. Think Pavlov's dog. Except the opposite. Just think dogs in general. They (both men and dogs) respond quite well to negative reinforcement. See aforementioned stiff elbow to the solar plexus. Repeat as needed.
Crime: Wearing a hat (particularly of the baseball variety) inside.
Judgment: Has never met my mother or stepped foot inside my house. Also (and once again): Spoiled. At this point, I'd like to take this opportunity to give all those Moms out there a little shout-out: Train your sons. Please.
Punishment: Take away all his baseball hats. Seriously. It's that easy.
Crime: Doesn't open the door for you / [insert deserving person here]. This also applies to elevators.
Judgment: Self-Absorbed. Likes to talk about himself, and probably won't ask you any questions on your first date. Will probably use the "I thought modern women opened their own doors" excuse. Hello? Just because we can, doesn't mean we want to. Also, it's just common courtesy. Lastly: don't make me repeat myself (read: he's spoiled).
Punishment: He's a lost cause, particularly if he got indignant about it. Be sure to slam said door in his face on your way out.
Before I'm off, I'd like to add few last things. Firstly, while I dedicated this post to men, manners are not sexist, they are universal. So, to any women out there who aren't giving up their seats, opening doors, or think their new hat is just too fabulous to take off for dinner, I'm talking to you. (I've taken the liberty of assuming I don't have to mention Spitting and/or Re-Adjusting. Have some self-respect, ladies.) Secondly, a Public Service Announcement:
Are you a witness to crimes of civility? If you see something, say something.
And lastly, and once again, Happy Judging!
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.