A Letter Supporting Betsy DeVos, Definitely 100% Not Written By Betsy DeVos

"If anyone actually knows what the Education Secretary does, please respond with details. Asking for a friend."
02/07/2017 10:08 pm ET Updated Feb 08, 2017
Nothing to see here just a picture of someone who isn’t me.
NPR.com
Nothing to see here just a picture of someone who isn’t me.

Hello America,

This is a very concerned/smart citizen writing to you who definitely is not Betsy DeVos. Again, smart person, not Betsy. Anyways, I understand why you all are so concerned. This is exactly like those times in public school when the teacher would do that one thing that was bad #teaching #education #GPA. But I promise everything will be OK. I mean, Betsy is very, very qualified to be Breaducation Secretary. Huh? Education Secretary, yeah, that’s what I said.

You’re being weird, ha.

As I was saying... Math, chemistry, psychology, defunding public schools, music, Betsy knows about all the important subjects. Wait, did I say “defunding public schools?” Lol! I meant Betsy loves children!!! Sorry, I can be so clumsy sometimes.

I know people (CNN, NBC, fucking New York Times) are always giving her a hard time for “being a billionaire” or “having no teaching experience” or “thinking public school teachers are overpaid” or “not having a degree in education” or “giving money to GOP senators” but OH MY DONALD TRUMP, it’s 2017 people, if you’re not a billionaire yet then are you even driving for Uber on the side? Grow up.

Fine, say for one second (V hypothetically) that Mrs. Betsy “Fucking Amazing at Education” DeVos ― her nickname growing up ― was, in fact, unqualified. Throughout history some of the most unqualified folks have also found the most success. People like Spider-Man (nerd before superhero) and the Pillsbury Doughboy (where the H-E-double #2 pencils was he before all that fame?).

The bottom line is that anyway the organic, vegan, nut-free cookie crumbles (you can never be too careful in school these days), Betsy DeVos is your new Education Secretary. Don’t like her? Don’t go to school. That’s your choice. It’s a free country unless you’re any kind of minority.

Schools now:

Stupid not good school
Stupid not good school

Schools with Betsy’s help:

Def not harry potter
Def not harry potter

Schools now:

meh.
meh.

Schools with Betsy’s help:

!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!

Am I being clear here?

In closing, Betsy DeVos is the smartest person on earth, so pretty, has SO many friends, and you should all immediately Venmo her $1 million. And just to reiterate, I am not her. I am a regular citizen just like Tom Brady or the Lucky Charms mascot. Diversity. Education. Growth vs. proficiency. Hall passes. Overhead projectors. Bag lunches. We.

Make America Educated Again,

Ordinary Person (Not Betsy DeVos)

P.S. If anyone actually knows what the Education Secretary does, please respond with details. Asking for a friend.

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