In light of the LA Times exposure of those LAUSD teachers they have deemed incompetent and eligible only to be booted from the classroom, I have been reflecting. I do understand the Times' deeply held belief that parents have a right to know the quality of the people who are teaching their children. I'm a veteran LAUSD teacher; I sent my kids to LAUSD schools; and I agree we need transparency in our schools. And it works both ways.
As the new school year is about to begin, I believe it is vital that new teachers be educated as to the kind of parents whose spawn they will be meeting and working with come September. In the interest of openness and honest and fair disclosure, below I present a list of those parents I have come across in my career with the hope that all the talented, new teachers will, despite it all, fall in love with teaching and stay in our profession:
The Religious Fanatic - believes Halloween is a pagan holiday and a teacher who decorates her classroom with pumpkin, turkey, and witch cut-outs are evil doers and inviting Satan into the classroom. In the interest of prolonging one's teaching career, say into a second semester, the new teacher must ban all talk and displays of religious holidays in the classroom or celebrate every holiday including Ramadan and National Potato Chip Day.
The Booster Club Parent - having loads of time, money and little or no meaningful work outside the home, raises money for campus projects. Because these parents organize Casino Night, arrange for a mall to sponsor the school's Thanksgiving pageant, or treat the principal to dinners at Waterloo & City, they believe they hold special on-campus status. And they do. As a result, always, always inflate the grades of Booster Parents' children. This saves the young teacher a trip to the principal's office and a tongue lashing that could be entitled, "Did You Not Learn Anything in All those Stupid Education Classes You Sat Through?"
The IEP Parent - There are hundreds of legitimate reasons a student might need an Individual Education Plan, ranging from struggling with dyslexia, to ADD to vision problems. Many students need and deserve on-campus tutors or aides. A concerned parent works with the school staff so that her child can receive the appropriate benefits. But watch out for the IEP parent who plays the system. They're easy to spot as they are usually followed by a lawyer wheeling file folders stuffed with documentation from psychiatrists, clergy persons, yogis, dieticians and ex-lovers demanding their child receive unlimited time on all assignments and additional "boosts." This particularly comes into play during standardized testing when a teacher might find herself monitoring a student taking the SAT until, oh, say 10 or 11 p.m.
The Soon-to-be-Released from Prison Parent - Though you will not meet this parent, you might receive a letter from him or her. And nothing quite catches the first year teacher's attention as a return address which reads: Chino State Prison. Wing B, Cell #666. This parent, often serving time for assault with a deadly weapon on a government worker, will be offering notice that he or she will be released days prior to graduation and really, really wants to see his or her little girl cross the stage. The correct response to such a letter is: Your child is performing beautifully in my class. If she doesn't graduate it's probably because she's got a terrible chemistry teacher. Would you like me to send you his name?
The Former Private School Parent - does not understand why there are 43 students in his child's English class when just last year at Our Lady of the 4.0 GPA, there were, maximum, 12. The new teacher must brace himself, for the Former Private School Parent will email and text on an hourly basis, and if he or she is not satisfied with the teacher's responses, he or she will find out the teacher's home number and call more often than a telemarketer or a stalker ex.
The Professional Foster Parent - is receiving county checks for each of the seven children he or she is parenting. The fact that four of these kids spend most of their school day eating pizza outside Costco's and another is actually serving with the 4th Infantry in Afghanistan does not concern this parent as much as the fact that teachers are not allowing the kids to express themselves by being able to draw or rap their homework assignments.
The My Other Six Children were Model Students, You must be doing Something to Antagonize My Little Tony Parent - When you learn that Little Tony, who is repeating 10th grade for the fifth time, spray painted your name on the boys' bathroom wall and underneath scribbled 186, the sign that there's a contract on your head, don't panic. Ask him to stay after school and have him list his five favorite drugs or alcoholic beverages, then slip the contraband into his backpack when no one's looking, and Tony will allow you to teach class again the way you intended. Plus, his parents will quit bugging you.
The Good Parent - shows up at Back-to-School Night, some PTA meetings and volunteers to drive on field trips. They check in when their kids are out of school for more than one day and ask for the make up work. And if their child is having a problem in class, whether it's academic or emotional, they discuss rather than accuse. When you meet these parents, you'll cherish them and like good teachers, you'll remember them for a long time to come.
The rookie public school teacher should know that teaching is simple. It's just a matter of knowing your subject, being able to teach in overcrowded classrooms that lack proper ventilation, with students whose reading levels range from college to "That Sesame Street show uses some big ass words, don't it?"
So enjoy every day of your 2010 - 2011 school year. And enjoy your seven, non-paid furlough days. And if there's one thing we veteran teachers know we can count on, it's that next year the governor will make sure our school year is even shorter than this one.
Happy teaching.