I wanted to start this New Year with a solid success of becoming an accomplished and consistent participant at Mindfulness Meditation. I tried, I really did. But Mindfulness Meditation just didn't stick with me. I was very good during the eight weeks of class. After the class was over I scheduled meditation time for a few weeks after. Finally, I let it slide altogether.
This is just yet another failure to add to my list of less-than-successful attempts in my life. There are so many things I've tried that have not worked out. I've tried sticking to a specific exercise routine, getting to my desk at exactly 9 AM every weekday morning like a good disciplined writer should and keeping a more organized home. I envy my perfectly organized friends that are extremely busy but still manage to make cookies from scratch.
I just can't compete with those people who seem to succeed at everything.
I did hear about a meditation alternative called "Notice that!" It's a practice where you write down five things that you notice immediately. So, it could be something as simple as the refrigerator motor, rain on the window, the shoes I didn't put away. You must write these sightings down. It is supposed to be a way to awaken your senses. The theory is that you need to know what you want to do by noticing what is around you.
I can understand it, but when I tried it all I wanted to do was clean up after myself.
So, I'm still looking for ways to succeed at something and not feel like a loser.
A second alternative to the meditation train are adult coloring books. Presumably these are the latest craze to mindfulness with an artistic bent. I can see how spending time coloring pretty flowers would refresh the mind, as long as you stay within the lines. I remember how that went back in the third grade. I'm afraid I might veer outside the prescribed design and bring back the voice of my third grade teacher telling me to be more disciplined.
So, instead of continuing to berate myself, I've decided to try something new. I'm going to invent a new mindful success scenario and embrace my journey to success as a road to learning what doesn't work for me. I'll take a page from Thomas Edison who famously responded to criticism that it took him a long time to finally find the right solution to invent the lightbulb, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
I'm going to take a different approach and befriend my quirks and self-loathing. After all, who could follow my route but me?
I will never be a 5'9" Victoria Secret model. But then, the model will never be me, a 5'3" middle age writer. I can't look for approval outside of myself. Something many of us do all too often. We try to assign too much value to other people with unrealistic expectations for someone, anyone, to give us "unconditional validation." We know, intellectually, no one can give us positive regard expect ourselves. How often have we been induced to sacrifice what we believe to be true for the sake of approval by others?
So, instead I will enfold my strangeness, weirdness, and quirks and be proud. I have my own way of looking at the world and dealing with it.
For now, I will enjoy the shoes outside the closet and have another cup of coffee tomorrow morning at 9:15 AM and ponder my next assignment. After all, it will be creative time. It's my unique way to wander the world and view the world around me.