Photo Credit: Brent Stoller
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Last week, upon seeing the intro article to this column published, two concerns consumed me:
Would anyone submit a question, and could I come up with an appropriate name for the column?
Second things first...my initial instinct was to go with something clever and, more importantly, original. Nothing that involved the words "Dear" or "Ask"...simply stealing those writers' column concept was bad enough.
The more I thought about it, the more I thought back to the genesis of this idea, which originated from a theoretical sign that read, "Advice." Advice...it was clean, concise and left no doubt as to the subject matter. Maybe the simplest title was the right title.
So...welcome to "ADVICE." I'm also tagging it with an edition number, i.e. "01."
As for the first question, asking people to ask you for advice feels a little presumptuous. It feels like you're saying, I know better than you. And I know I don't. Seinfeld trivia aside, I don't know better than anybody on anything.
That's why the goal of this column is not to declare absolutes -- what's right and wrong, what you have to do -- it's to present perspective and insight into a situation/dilemma, and to offer options for consideration. Which option you choose -- whether I suggest it or not -- is up to you.
Mercifully, I did receive questions, and below, I address two of them. If yours is not mentioned, please check back each week, as I will be answering it. I just need more time -- and words -- to do so.
Thanks to everyone who submitted questions, and thank you for reading.
(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
I'm a parent of a 9 1/2-year-old boy with autism. The autistic brain tends to process info into literal form; sarcasm, jokes, puns and other non-tangible ideas can be hard to mentally grasp. Like religion. We don't attend church much, but faith and prayer are meaningful in my and my oldest daughter's life. What kinds of words can be used to explain to my son our higher power?
--51fifty; Modesto, CA
What a difficult situation. It must be painful struggling to connect with your child on something so important to you.
Because I'm not a trained professional, I'm going to direct you to those who are. I'd imagine they can help you identify the most effective vocabulary and strategies to convey religion. A Google search reveals multiple organizations with offices in and around Modesto, including Behavioral and Educational Strategies and Training and the Central Valley Autism Project. Additionally, the Center for Autism and Related Disorders has locations in Fresno, San Francisco and Sacramento. Not exactly local, but they might be able to refer you to organizations and support groups that are.
Though I can't offer autistic-specific advice, I can offer something in terms of your overall struggle. Full disclosure: I'm not a parent. But I fortunately have two of them, and as the child, there's only two things that have ever mattered to me -- that they were present, and that they cared. Yes, I'm grateful for the food, shelter and Nikes they've provided, but all of that was a byproduct of their devotion.
You and I don't know each other beyond the four paragraphs we've exchanged, but the fact that you wrote is an indicator of your dedication. You care. You're seeking a solution, so you're on the right path. Contact the professionals, consult your church's leaders and continue fighting for your son. In other words, keep doing what you're doing.
I want to separate from my husband. As awful as it sounds, I found someone else who I seem to relate to better on every level. My husband overall is a good man, and we have a child together. We got married when we were 20. We're now 28 and it's just not working. We barely make any effort to do routine married things. I don't know if I should stay with him for our child. It hurts my husband so much every time I say we have an issue, and I hate hurting him.
--Stuckmarried; Winchester, VA
To stay or go? It's probably the most common relationship conundrum, but that doesn't make it easier to solve, especially when you factor a child into the equation. You and your husband were inevitably going to change as individuals, and your partnership was going to have to evolve with you. That hasn't happened to this point, and that's OK.
Considering you're involved with someone else, it sounds as if you know the marriage is over. But just to double-check, ask yourself: Is divorce what I truly want? Is finding happiness again in the marriage possible? Have I done everything I needed/wanted to do to give it a fair shot?
If you're still confident you need to move on, then that's what you have to do. If it's over, it's over. Don't let the fear of hurting your husband deter you.
When I was dating, after a date or two, girls would reject me by not returning my calls. My female friends used this tactic too, and when I asked them why, they said it was because they didn't want to hurt the guy. What they didn't realize was that they were hurting him regardless -- and they were also wasting his time by making him wait for a call that was never coming.
Your husband's already hurting. And he will continue hurting if he's in a marriage his wife doesn't want to be in. So don't waste more time. Be kind, be considerate and be honest, but accept the fact that there's no such thing as a pleasant break-up. People get hurt, but then they heal.
And while it's noble to want to stay together for your child's sake, my mother, a licensed therapist, once told me that children are a reflection of their parents' well-being. You and your husband can put on happy faces for a while, but kids are perceptive, and their awareness will grow more discerning with age. The facade will crack. Yes, your child must always be priority one, but the best way to take care of him/her is to first take care of yourself.
NEXT WEEK: How to stop comparing ourselves to others...
To send in a question, please complete this short Google form. All submissions are anonymous, even to the author.