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(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)
I'm in a relationship that is long-distance for the summer. I feel like you lose some emotional value when you communicate through text, but my boyfriend prefers to write out what he feels as opposed to talking about it. How should we communicate?
He's a wonderful man, and we love each other and make each other happy. But it frustrates me that he's nonchalant about how we spend our time together. If I suggest something, I never get a solid, "Yes, this is what I want." It's usually, "Sure," or "I don't care, whatever you want to do," or "I don't know, you decide."
I've expressed that I dislike making the decisions, and that it feels like he does stuff with me regardless of whether he really wants to or not. His response was that while he doesn't mind the activities we've done, they ultimately don't matter; he simply wants to spend time with me.
Now we are back on break, and I'm the one to suggest when to Skype or talk. Should I address this with him, or am I overreacting?
--Marie; Scarsdale, NY
I'm going to answer your first question second, and your second question first.
No, I don't think you're overreacting. As my mother-the-therapist says, there's no such thing as a wrong feeling. You are frustrated by something your boyfriend does -- or doesn't do -- and that needs to be addressed. If it's not, it's going to end up lurking beneath the surface, breeding resentment and discontent.
Every relationship has its own equilibrium, and yours appears to be out of whack. You're the one putting in all the effort, and I'm guessing it feels that if you didn't, the only thing that would keep you a couple would be your Facebook status.
In a way, your boyfriend reminds me of me. Shortly after my now-wife, Emily, and I started dating, she asked me what I wanted -- to eat, or watch on TV, or do on Saturday night, I don't remember -- and I replied with the dreaded, "Whatever you want," like I was part of an arranged marriage in Zamunda.
Truthfully, I (idiotically) thought this was the ultimate expression of chivalry. I'm here, at your service, sacrificing my own needs to satisfy yours.
Emily did not see it this way. She couldn't stand that answer, and she wasn't shy about telling me so. It made her feel the same way it makes you feel -- that I wasn't invested in the relationship, and I was making her bear the full burden of it.
Of course, nothing could've been further from the truth. My indifference had nothing to do with Emily. As long as our weekend plans aren't filled with my kryptonite -- like, say, seafood meals and opera tickets -- I generally do not care what we do or where we go, partly because I'm super low maintenance, partly because I don't like the pressure of making the choice. It stresses me out. I take it too personally. I spend the whole time worried that the other person isn't having a good enough time, as if their enjoyment is my responsibility. Which, when it's your call, I guess it kind of is.
But hearing Emily's frustration, I knew I had to change. It didn't matter if I had to fake it, and it didn't matter how uncomfortable it made me. I had to figure out a way to start making decisions. So I did.
Your boyfriend can do the same. But since he hasn't yet changed, you're well within your rights to bring it up again. Tell him exactly what bothers you, and exactly what you need. Leave no doubt.
I'd also suggest opening up to the idea of changing yourself. At least a little bit. When you've mentioned this topic in the past, think about what he said -- that all he wants to do is spend time with you. That's a pretty big deal. It's a foundational pillar of any successful relationship, and I wouldn't take that for granted.
So while he needs to adjust his behavior, it might be worth adjusting your expectations. There's a happy medium somewhere in the middle.
As for how you should communicate when you're apart, this is yet another dynamic in which your boyfriend and I are alike. While I agree that emotions can get lost in texts/emails, I am not a fan of the phone. I can't stand small talk, and when it comes to more important discussions, I like having time to think about what I want to say.
Traditional Skype conversations are even more awkward, because it's just a phone call where the other person can see that you're sitting in your underwear.
I'm much more comfortable being face to face, enjoying a shared experience, when every pause isn't filled with stress. Which is why a few years ago when Emily and I spent four months doing long-distance, we'd coordinate Skype dates that coincided with the airings of our favorite shows. We each sat on our respective couches, and she'd watch on her TV while I'd watch on mine.
It was the perfect solution for us, and it could be the perfect solution for the two of you -- an activity you can do together that's already been suggested and scheduled.
COMING WEDNESDAY: Should I Tell My Crush How I Feel About Her?
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